9 January 2012

Oopsie!  I forgot to write an update this weekend! Well, that’s what I get for actually taking time off and relaxing, I guess.

I promised myself, upon returning to school this semester, that I would leave no later than 5:30pm every day.  That hasn’t happened yet, but I’m getting closer!  Today I left at 5:45pm and still had paperwork left to do.  In fact, the paperwork was partially done, so I’m going to have to figure out where I left off when I get to work in the morning.  I abhor this down to my very bones, plus I’m just a biiiiit anal-retentive, so doing this really, REALLY annoys me.  But I did it.  I’m so proud.  Also very annoyed.

I actually sat at work last Friday after school and wrote a week’s lesson plan.  It was Ah-Mazing.  It’s nice to have everything organized ahead of time and to know what direction my lessons need to take from day to day.  I’m not as concerned about “finishing” my lesson at the end of the period either, because I know how things need to flow and can choose a logical cut-off for the lesson.  And it’s much easier to pick up tomorrow where I left off today and still be able to make the lessons flow and connect well.  It’s so nice to feel like a teacher!

Last week, I also got my special ed paperwork organized for the rest of the ARD meetings I should have this semester.  That was a monumental task, at least for me, and took some very innovative (for me) organizing tools that I actually had to go to the office supply store and purchase with my own funds.  But, after working through one IEP for an ARD meeting I have scheduled tomorrow, and being on the brink of beginning a second IEP for an ARD in two weeks, the system is working VERY well.  I’m not sure I can come up with a flawless system (who could?!?), but this is as close to it as I’ve come all year.  If I’m still doing SpEd next year, I should begin the year in a much better place and not be in a total panic for the first dozen or so ARDs I have on the calendar.  Of course, if I use this year as any guideline whatsoever, by the time next year gets here, EVERYTHING WILL HAVE CHANGED and I’ll have to start over from scratch.

In other school-related news, my department head shared with me and another math teacher a short list of teachers who we know will not be returning next year.  Retiring: 8th grade science, 6th grade language arts, girl’s PE.  Quitting: 6th grade social studies, 7th grade social studies.  By lunch, another had been added to the list: another 8th grade science.  The issue with this last one was that she resigned TODAY, via email of all things.  How unprofessional!  I don’t care what other job opportunities you have; you signed a contract and made a commitment to these kids.  You just proved your word and integrity are exactly shit.  I hope you never expect to do business with any of your now ex-coworkers.

AAANNYway.  Joseph is doing well and handling his punishment with much grace and maturity.  He’s asking for nothing, expecting nothing, not trying to take advantage of odd video game opportunities that have been presented.  His girlfriend (now ex) has asked him to leave things, and her, until this summer.  She doesn’t know what she wants to do or how she feels about what he did.  It probably is a very good thing for them to have some time apart, even though I know it hurts him to do so.  I keep thinking to myself that I just need to give things time to be set right, but really?  His choices have changed things forevermore.  OH, of course I love my child – more now than ever!  But my perception of him has changed.  Maybe it needed to, because I just don’t see my innocent little boy anymore.  I think it’s been a long time since he really was “innocent” and my “little” boy.

My prayer is that this situation allows all of us to handle this transition to adulthood better.  It certainly has opened up communication between me and Joe.  I mean, it’s not like we lacked in the communication department, but we’re having much deeper conversations lately.  What does it mean to be an adult and what responsibilities/privileges come with adulthood?  Why does that other kid’s lifestyle seem so seductive?  How can we anticipate and curb the tendency to marginalize our parents’ role in our lives as we become an adult?  And he was really listening when I was arguing that, if he handled things well, the “freest” part of his life will be when he’s in college but living at home.  When else do you have most of the adult privileges but few of the responsibilities?  Rick and I weren’t planning on charging him rent or anything while he is in college, so he’ll have a more-or-less free place to stay that’s guaranteed to have hot running water, electricity, food, and laundry facilities.  And he’ll have this privilege with most of the perks of adult-hood.  We’re not expecting to set a curfew on him (just an expectation of communication of where he will be and whether we should expect him home at night), but we also don’t want him doing things that will break the law or create unnecessary children.  In essence, he’ll have tons of freedom (within reason) without the responsibility of needing to pay his own way (with the exception of his own transportation).  At no other time in his life will this happen, so he needs to work to get to this time so that he can take advantage of it.  I think he gets it.  Time will tell.

Okay, I’m going to go find a cross-stitch project to work on for a bit.  I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, so it’s official weigh-in day.

By the way, since I have to be protein-focused for my post-surgery eating lifestyle, I am always looking at the grocery store shelves for things I can add to my repertoire of things to eat.  I usually munch on beef jerky, chicken vienna sausage (it has more protein than the regular!), tuna salad – the pre-made kind in the little pouches, canned tuna and chicken, chicken and beef fajita meat (cooked or uncooked, depending on what’s on sale), unbreaded Gorton’s grilled fish (hard to find in this city).  If I really want to do some cooking, I’ll do up a meatloaf or bbq baked chicken breasts.  We’ve done roasts (I just eat the meat and not the potatoes), and roasted chicken.  I find myself eating a LOT of chicken.  The majority of the beef I eat is in the jerky form, otherwise, it has a tendency to hurt going down.  Pork and I are not on speaking terms, and I can’t say I miss it.

Several times a week, I will drink a protein shot blended with no-sugar-added juice (apple or cran-grape).  The local Wal-Mart has been carrying the Body Fortress Whey Protein Shot.  It only comes in fruit punch flavor and is not great-tasting.  It’s why I drink it very cold, over ice, and blended with juice.  It contains no carbs and 26 grams of protein.  Not too bad for about 3 fluid ounces.  A couple of weeks ago, I saw a NEW protein shot on the shelves: New Whey Liquid Protein.  My store carries three flavors: grape, watermelon, and acai berry.  The website also offers a green apple flavor.  It’s just under 4 fluid ounces of liquid, with 2 grams of carbs, but a whopping 42 grams of protein.  I was skeptical, because most protein products have at least an aftertaste that strongly resembles ass, and the Body Fortress stuff sometimes took an act of God and a strong handle on my willpower, not to mention my swallowing mechanism, to get it down.  They don’t nauseate me like the protein shakes started to do, but they are JUST nasty.  New Whey is by no means the nectar of Zeus, but the exceedingly strong grape flavor covers a lot of sins in the protein flavor.  I was able to take a swig of the shot, then a sip of juice – both at room temp – and only grimace a little. Ding Ding Ding!  We have a winner!

The only problem is, now I’m worried about getting TOO MUCH protein!  If I have two shots during the day, I’m at over 80 grams of protein.  The doc wants me to hit 60-90 grams, with his lady patients closer to the 60g-mark and boys closer to the 90g-mark.  I DO PROTEIN LIKE A MAN!!  Okay, seriously, is that okay?  Once I eat dinner, I could easily be over 90 grams of protein!  Since I have an appointment tomorrow, I’m planning on taking both shots with me to see what the doc says about them.

Okay, seriously now.  Going. Cross-stitch. Bed. Reading. Not necessarily in that order.

 

2 January 2012

Wow. How weird is it to write 2012?  I can remember when I was a high school senior thinking that 2012 would be a year so far in the future, I probably would never see it.  And if I did, I’d be old and decrepit and going around town in my flying car.

This is my 20-year high school reunion. Scary.

Four years ago I graduated from college. Cum laude.

Last year, I began the search for a surgeon to perform weight-loss surgery. I was SO SURE I was going to have the bypass, and didn’t want anything to do with the sleeve, and look what I got. Hah!

I also weighed over 320 pounds one year ago today.  At my first visit with the surgeon, I officially weighed 315 pounds, but I know I was a little heavier before that.  Today, I weighed in at 238 pounds (up two pounds from the lowest, but that’s holiday eating for you (reminder to self: MUST GET RID OF COOKIES BEFORE YOU EAT THEM ALL!)).  I’ve lost 77 pounds so far, and I don’t intend to stop there.

As I mentioned above, my eating has really been bad these past two weeks.  LOTS of carbs. I’m getting some protein, but clearly not enough, as evidenced by my larger-than-usual appetite.  I’m hungry more often, which means I’m not giving my body what it needs to be fueled for longer periods.  Going back to work tomorrow will actually help that.  Sitting around the house has always been an issue.  I’m not as physically active, so I’m not burning as many calories, yet I eat at least as much, if not more, than I normally do.  And I have access to much less healthy food.  Oh, I have access to foods I SHOULD be eating, but I have more access to foods I SHOULDN’T be eating than when I’m working.

I’ve really got to figure out this whole eating when on break thing, otherwise, I’m going to gain EVERYTHING back over the summer!

(Aaaaand I just looked up the nutritional info on black eyed peas.  Not bad in protein, but the carbs???  Good lord!  No wonder I was so hungry last night! There’s over two times the carbs as protein!  Aack!  AND I had corn bread!  Well, no more “good luck” New Year’s food for me!)

New Year’s Eve was a very subdued event here. We didn’t go anywhere and Rick had to work.  I spent too much time pinning stuff to Pinterest, caught up on internet reading, and worked a little on a cross stitch project I’ve been working on for two years.  Rick came home around 9:30 with a few fireworks he picked up on the way home.  At 11:30, we went outside to set them off and watched the neighbors set theirs off as well.  Afterwards, Rick and I sat in the garage, watching the neighbor kids set off bottle rockets and firecrackers. Eventually, everyone either lost interest or ran out of things to set on fire, and they all went home.  Rick, Joseph, and I sat for a little longer, enjoying the peaceful quiet that settled in, and talked for a while.  Around 2am, we finally went inside and picked up our various activities where we left off.  I think I went to bed around 4am.

I’m glad to be around to see another year come in.

This has been quite a year of changes for me and my family.  Actually, it’s been quite a year of changes for me, now that I really think about it!

Mom and Dad are still retired and they accomplish less every day.

Mom sits around the house, playing Mah Jongg or Bejeweled 2 on her computer and sits on the couch in the living room crocheting and watching TV. There’s not a whole lot else she does anymore.  The occasional shopping trip or doctor’s appointment – and never both in the same day – and she’s DONE.  Okay, and I shouldn’t discount the fact that she’s cooking most of the family dinners these days. She “can’t sleep” quite often, and so is up until 3am or later most nights.  She will sit up in bed watching DVDs of old movies or TV shows. If she’s feeling particularly restless, she will “ride her exercise bike” while watching those DVDs. She has a recumbent stationary bike and the seat is well padded and even has a padded back.  It’s a very comfortable seat. Although, I’ve seen her “riding” that bike.  Really, what she’s doing is sitting on her bike and sloooooowwwwly moving the pedals.   I’d say her speed averages a few feet per hour.  Really, REALLY slow.

Dad sits in his recliner and watches TV or naps, goes out to the storage shed in the backyard or the back porch or the garage to smoke, and empties the dishwasher.  Sometimes, someone else empties the dishwasher, but since we usually run it at night once everyone has gone to bed, and Dad is usually the first one up in the mornings, he’s the one that puts up dishes.  He gets annoyed with it sometimes, feeling like the family is “taking advantage” of him, but really, no one gets put out if he doesn’t put up dishes, but we’re all glad when he does.  He does occasionally leave the house to drive up to his rental property to do a repair or lawn work or just to look the property over.  That’s pretty rare, actually, because his current tenant is awesome, pays her rent on time, and takes care of the place. He’s over there today because she called about the kitchen sink leaking.  It’s the first time he’s been over there in nearly a year.  Almost every Saturday, he drives south of Houston to visit with his “friends” who are actually his drinking buddies and pot suppliers.  Pot, as in the kind you smoke and not the kind you cook in. Oh yes, he’s quite the party animal. I’m not surprised by this since he’s been smoking it the whole time I’ve been alive – before I was conceived, even.  I think HE would be surprised to know that I know, but that’s just him wanting to pretend that we all are normal people.

Rick goes to work and goes to school. There’s not a whole lot else going on for him at the moment. He’s three classes away from being able to get the certification, but he can only take two of them this next semester, and then will have to wait until next fall before he takes the last one.  The school doesn’t offer what he needs during the summer, so we have a full year left of him taking classes.  His work schedule is light – 20 hours a week or so – and the company is so crappy to its workers, but the people HE works with are fantastic.  I’ve met his bosses/managers and they’re very nice and think a lot of him.  The company would love to move him into a management position, but he’s turned them down more than once.  I don’t blame him.  Other than work or school, he comes home and plays on the computer, helps the neighbors with the computer and electronic issues (up to and including repairing broken DVD players and stereos, and showing them how to use their new cell phone).  He does try to do lawn work to help Dad out, but gets tired of the constant criticism.  He’s either done the work too soon, or he waited too long, or it’s too short, or something.  He still tries, bless him.

Joseph is on break now, just like me, but doesn’t go back to school until Wednesday.  He’s still taking all his classes, passing (barely in some cases, but passing), working at the country club occasionally.  His girlfriend recently broke up with him, but not because she wanted to.  He’s been in a bit of trouble recently, all stemming from the influence of one kid at school.  First, he was caught smoking on the back porch.  Then, two weeks later, he came home and tested positive for marijuana.  I’m not proud to be putting this out there, let me tell you.  We’ve done a lot of digging and found that the pot smoking hasn’t been going on for very long.  He was curious, knew a kid that smokes it (ALL THE TIME), has sat next to this kid all the years he’s been in high school band and so has gotten “friendly” with him, so he felt safe in asking him to try it.  The girlfriend doesn’t want that kind of mess in her life (TOTALLY DON’T BLAME HER!), so she broke up with him.  She texts me every 3-4 days to see how he’s doing.  I love that girl.  Even if they never get back together, I still think she’s awesome.  He’s been grounded (duh) ever since we found out (although we’ve suspected for a few months now, we were presented with a perfect opportunity to let him hang himself and then do a home drug test on him the day after Christmas. Kids are dumb.) and is understandably bummed.  I have to say, he’s dealing with being in trouble quite well, but then, he’s home all the time right now.  I get no complaints from him, he’s being very respectful.  He’s not asking for any privileges, not even to inquire when he will no longer be grounded.  Thankfully, his supplier isn’t in any classes with Joe, except for band, and is a year ahead of him.  He’s not going to be allowed to participate in after school practices, and will be expected to come home immediately after school.  This limits Joe’s opportunities to be around this kid.  After this school year, if this other kid even finishes, he’ll disappear into the welfare crowd that lives in this area, smoking his dope and hoping that his crappy dead-end waiter job won’t suddenly start requiring random drug testing.  The girlfriend that lives with him will end up pregnant before the year is out, ensuring their extended stay on the welfare rolls, and burying them even more completely in local trash anonymity.

To be honest, I can’t WAIT for that to happen.

My first instinct was to yank him right out of school and to finish his high school education at home.  I still think it would be a good idea, but Rick talked me out of it – for now.  Like I said, Joe is handling the situation well right now.  He’s ashamed of what he’s done, he’s deeply unhappy with the idea that his parents view him through this new lens.  I’ve made it clear that we can no longer trust him AT ALL and that he’s lost our respect.  He’s working on showing us that he can be responsible and trustworthy, but it will take some time for us to believe him.  I want to see how he handles things at school, though.  At home, that other kid isn’t here.  We can prevent Joe from having any interaction whatsoever with him.  Not so much at school.  We’ve confirmed through various sources that he and Joe have limited times they can interact at school and Joseph is under strict orders to STAY AWAY from the loser.  But they sit right next to each other in band.  There’s no getting around the necessity of communication during that class.  I’m not above asking the band directors to switch Joseph to the other, lower band to cut even this communication off.  But I need to see how Joseph is going to handle things.  He is 17.  In less than a year, he will legally be an adult.  As long as he is living with me and is in school, I have some control and say in what he does and how he does it.  But, once he’s 18, he can choose to not listen and there’s very little I can do about it.  So, I’m very conscious of the fact that he needs to understand that even just trying drugs is a pathway to destruction.  Nothing good will come of it and all he has to do is look around at our extended family to see that.  However, a greater understanding needs to happen here.  If Rick and I don’t handle this situation well, when Joe turns 18, we’ll lose him.  We’ve always had a good relationship with our son, but moving into this new “adulthood” territory can be rocky – even with the most solid of relationships.  I want to continue to be an influence in his life, even though I know he will choose to marginalize that influence for the next few years.  Marginal is better than nothing!  My parents did not handle their children becoming adults very well at all.  Their relationship with my sister is almost nonexistent and it was very nearly broken for all time when it was my turn to leave the nest. I have a sacred duty to improve on what my parents did wrong.  We haven’t perfected this whole parenting gig and we’ve made some monumental mistakes, but at least I can say that the mistakes we’ve made have been DIFFERENT than the ones my parents made!

Where was I going with all this?  Bah, I don’t remember. This post is long enough as it is!

Happy New Year, everyone. Stay safe.

(Edited to add: I don’t believe Joseph’s experiments with pot are directly related to my father’s pot smoking. He’s never witnessed my dad smoking it, has no access to Dad’s stash, and is not encouraged by what it’s done to my father.  My dad has never talked to Joseph about smoking it, and would never.  If he knew (and no, we haven’t told my parents about this), he would shred the child up one side and down t’other for it.  Indirectly though, Joseph has witnessed a grown person who has smoked pot for several decades, managed to hold down a good job, and lives in a nice house in a decent neighborhood.  He didn’t die from smoking it.  He doesn’t appear to be a raging drug addict, strung out and sleeping in his own waste.  That knowledge, alone, makes the drug less taboo, which made him more open to being curious about it and seeking an opportunity to try it.  This does not preclude the distinct possibility that he might have been curious enough to try it even without this influence.  Suffice it to say that I am looking forward to the day we can move into our own home.)

 

23 December 2011

Happy Friday!

I have declared that I am taking today off.  After the productiveness of the past four days, I need it.

Monday: Finished Christmas shopping and errand running (or so I thought).

Tuesday: Went to the post office, cleaned part of the house and went grocery shopping.

Wednesday: Cleaned more of the house, went grocery shopping, and began to rearrange Joseph’s room in anticipation of what he’s getting on Sunday.

Thursday: Went grocery shopping YET AGAIN, finished the rearranging of Joseph’s room (SO MUCH MORE SPACE!!!!), and baked over 400 cookies.  Yes, that number is correct.  There were 17 different varieties of cookie dough purchased (the break-apart kind, so the prep was next to nothing, but I still had to put them in the oven).  Most of those varieties made two dozen, a few made just a dozen, and one, bizarrely, made 40.  So, 400 is pretty close to right.

Today, I’ve gone to the post office TWICE. I refuse to go anywhere else. It’s chilly outside and damp and I’m inside a comfy house in clean, comfy clothes (yet, still cold), and I have nothing else to bake until tomorrow.  So, I’m off today.

I’ve actually really enjoyed this week.  I’ve gotten a lot of stuff done, errands run, housework completed, and I haven’t let myself just sit and veg. I know that probably sounds like a horrible vacation, but I think back to previous vacations when all I really did was sit around watching TV, reading, doing cross stitch, and my body would suffer.  My MOOD would suffer.  I’m a lot happier this way, and I’m still sleeping fantastically every night.

I guess it helps that I’m 80 pounds lighter than I was a year ago, and I have a LOT more energy and can move around so much better!  God is AWESOME!

 

20 December 2011

I’ve been up since 6am, and I haven’t felt this relaxed in WEEKS!

Joseph and I spent yesterday out finishing Christmas shopping and errand running.  I can say that I am officially done buying gifts and I’m just waiting for the last couple to come in from Amazon so I can wrap them.  Joe was able to take a couple of paychecks of his, cash them, and actually buy gifts himself – with money HE EARNED – this year.  I think he did a really good job.

We left the house around 10:30 and started off by going to the golf pro shop in the neighborhood so that Joe could pick up his last couple of paychecks.  That sounds like it would be a lot of money, but each check is for one day of work, so they total around $40 each.  He already had one check, and all together, he had about $120 to spend. From there, we headed to the bank so that he could get his checks cashed.  Then, we headed to the post office for flat rate boxes (clothes to send to the sister!) and stamps so I can pay bills.

Now we were on the fun part of the trip.  And by fun, I mean filled with the potential to frustrate and infuriate.  We headed into Baytown to the new Academy that just opened.  I wanted to get my Dad’s Christmas gift from there.  I don’t go to Academy very often, but after this trip, things may change.  We always have a hard time finding jeans for Joseph.  Wrangler just doesn’t work for him, but Levi does.  Target sells Levi’s, but they don’t carry much stock.  In Academy, we walked up to several WALLS of jeans from several manufacturers, one of them Levi’s.  It was a beautiful sight, I’ll tell you!  I got what I wanted for my dad (jeans and a button-up shirt), and Joe found the first of the gifts he wanted to buy as well – a hat for his grandfather.  This visit to Academy ALONE made the drive into Baytown worth it!

Next, we headed to Target.  After finding such a perfect gift for his grandfather, Joseph was that much more excited to find something as perfect for his grandmother.  We came up with the idea to get her something for her crochet projects – but NOT yarn.  I also needed to get some sweatpants for Rick, and it was nice to just browse for a bit.  Joe not only needed a gift for his grandmother, but he also wanted to get something for me and his dad, but no luck.  I managed to find a marker organizer that will magnetically hang from my white board at work, a lint roller since the old one we had was used up, and two more pairs of Christmas socks – one for me WITH TOES!!! and one for Joe.  I’m going to need a dresser drawer just for specialty socks soon.

By this point, it was after 1pm, and I was feeling hungry, so we headed to my favorite Baytown Chinese restaurant – Wok De’Light in old Baytown.  It’s a little hole-in-the-wall ghetto place in a really poor section of town, but they they have the BEST Chinese!  So, we lunched (egg rolls, house lo-mein, sweet & sour chicken), we chatted, and we came up with a game plan for getting the rest of our shopping done.  I also gave Joe some ideas for what he could be looking for in the way of gifts for me and his dad.

Satisfied, we headed back up the road to Hobby Lobby where we found a great gift for my mother: a crochet/knitting needle organizer.  She crochets like crazy and has all her hooks loose in the bottom of her yarn holder-thingy.  This will give her a place to store them all!  Perfection!  Then we headed across the street to Best Buy so Joe could get his girlfriend her gifts (gift cards to Best Buy and to iTunes).  He still hadn’t been able to find anything that he was willing to spend his money on for me or Rick, and I had some household things to get, so we made our last stop Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart was a madhouse.  The employees were perfectly nice and helpful, but the shoppers.  Oy vey!  People are CLUELESS how to act in public!  I needed shower/body care supplies and a couple of cleaners, plus I had some thank you cards I wanted to pick up, so I had to visit every end of the store.  I just gave Joe the car keys and said, “Go shop.”  Reportedly, he was able to find something for both me and his dad, so all is well.  And he remembered to buy a greeting card to put the girlfriend’s gift cards into.  I stood in line for two hours (at least it felt that way) behind a man in a wheelchair who felt the need to have the cashier re-bag EVERY SINGLE ITEM he bought.  He came back TWICE while she was helping me to have her re-bag something that still did not meet whatever requirements he had.  Sir, your wheelchair does not give you the excuse to act like a total douche-canoe to other people.  Just sayin’.

Anyway, we finished up there and headed home.  I wrapped gifts and packed two boxes to ship to my sister in Maine, took cold meds, and went to bed.  It was a good day!

 

17 December 2011

I was informed last night, in my “the first semester is really over?” haze, that Christmas is a week away.

Good lord.

My body would like nothing more than to sink into an exhaustion-driven flu/cold/sinus infection situation.  I’m convinced that my body is selfish and self-centered and really just wants me to hibernate in bed for a few days. I’m steadfastly ignoring the sickness hints, denying the possibility that *I* could possibly EVER get sick, and spending quality time in bed anyway. (Can’t hurt, right?)

Christmas shopping is done, except for my father. I know what I want to get him and where I want to get it, I just need to actually leave the house, brave the traffic, and, you know, shop.  But not right now. Maybe tomorrow.

I have the most awesome students and co-workers.  Their generosity humbles me and made me have to make two trips to my car yesterday to bring all the loot inside the house.  I’ve never worked at a place that gave gifts the way my current job does.  I have students bringing me stuff and even though I’m thrilled to be on the receiving end, I’m also slightly embarrassed because I have nothing to reciprocate.  A lot of teachers see the receiving of student gifts as their due compensation for teaching well.  I don’t agree.  It’s my JOB to teach well, and I receive a paycheck as compensation twice a month.  There’s no reason for me to receive anything more, yet those kids just keep on giving.  I guess, in a way, it shows that they think about me when they’re not in my classroom.  And that’s cool, too.  After all, I think about THEM all the time!  I love them and worry about them and think about how they’ll feel and respond to not only what I teach, but how I teach it, and even how they’ll respond to what I wear and to the things I bring to the classroom to share with them.  I bought socks and earrings (cheap ones) with my kids in mind.  The kids got a kick out of my Santa earrings and the ones with jingle bells on them.  And they thought it was hilarious to ask to see my Christmas socks every day.  And to see how badly they clashed with the rest of my clothes!  It was little things like that, occurring all week, that gave us smiles and laughs.

My co-workers, though, they have REALLY humbled me.  I just don’t think about giving gifts to people I work with!  I didn’t even think about cards this year!  I really feel like a heel for not reciprocating, and more, for not thinking of giving to them in the first place.  Some of my co-workers are border line friends at this point.  It only makes sense to think about them – and not only with the mentality of giving a gift just because I received one.  I’m committing today to search the internet for small tokens of appreciation – because really, that’s what these are, so much more than a mere Christmas present – that I can put into mail boxes on January 3rd when we return.  Not for every person, certainly, but there are key people with whom I’ve been working very closely and who have been a great help and comfort to me.  They deserve some measure of recognition from me for the gift of time and support I’ve received from them.  I just have to figure out what to get.

 

10 December 2011

Four-and-a-half.  That’s how many working days I have left.

Of course, the term “working day” usually means 11-12 hours at the moment, but at least there are only 4.5 of them left.

I haven’t been updating much because I just didn’t feel like it.  I’ve been in a little slump and it’s partly because of the season, partly because of stress, and partly because I just don’t go to bed early enough during the week, and I’m perpetually sleep-deprived.

Thanksgiving was a lovely, lovely break that I barely remember now.  It’s as if it didn’t really happen.  It was two weeks ago, but it was also ten years ago.  I do remember that having the whole week off was awesome, and I remember going to the AT&T store to buy new phones for me and Joseph.  I ended up with a smart phone, which is going to increase our bill, but I’m finding it worth the expense.  When Rick finishes school and finds a full-time job again, we will probably upgrade him to a smart phone as well, but I just don’t want to put more of our budget towards the cell phones until we have another full-time income coming in.

Anyway, the week was nice and it was just the five of us to feed.  We started prep work Monday night by pulling the turkey out of the deep freezer so that it could start to thaw.  Tuesday I chopped veggies, boiled and peeled eggs, and baked pies and pumpkin bread.  We had homemade lemon meringue pie made with locally, friend-grown lemons.  Very nice, but it made my stomach hurt like nothing else has.  Wednesday was the day we transferred the turkey from it’s place of defrosting to the brine water, I made 42 deviled eggs (all of which were gone before Friday morning), and we did a thorough cleaning and decluttering of the kitchen so that we’d have room for multiple people and multiple dishes on Thursday.  We did so much prep work before the day of that we had very little to do – all of it super simple – and were able to sit back and relax.  I managed to NOT eat so much that I hurt (thank you God), and got a small taste of everything we made, with a slightly larger helping of the turkey so that I still had a higher protein to carb ratio.  Yes, even on Thanksgiving, I tried to be obedient to the requirements of my new stomach.  I was glad I did.  I would have been miserable otherwise, and what’s the point of that?

I still managed to gain three pounds that week, and I blame the pumpkin bread.  I LOVE that stuff, and I don’t make it very often, so I was really craving it.  I made two 8×11 pans of it, so we had plenty left over for days, and that was probably a mistake.  One pan would have been enough, and it wouldn’t have hung around for a week, calling my name every time I took a breath.  By the time I went back to school the next Monday, I was up to 243, and very very sad about it.  I also noticed that my hair is getting very thin.  I compared pictures of me from a year ago to now, and it’s visibly noticeable.  So, to take control of things, I went grocery shopping (again) to stock up on the protein sources I know I needed (thankfully, I hadn’t run out, but I was low on some) and started drinking juice with protein shot first thing in the morning instead of coffee.  I still drink coffee, I just wait until I’m about to leave for work before I get it, instead of it being the first thing I grab after I roll out of bed.  It worked really well because I FINALLY broke the 240 barrier I’ve been flitting around for weeks.  Wednesday I was down to 237.8, so I’ve lost all the weight from Thanksgiving, plus a couple more.  YAY!

I have been doing pretty well with eating these past couple of weeks.  Today has been crap – I’m snacking on roasted almonds and have a couple of chocolate-covered cherries on my desk right now – but not horrifically so.  I’ve started to really get annoyed with my clothes because they’re all getting just ridiculously large on me.  Some stuff is still wearable.  It’s obviously big, but doesn’t look like clown clothes.  Some items, as much as I like them, I just can’t wear anymore.  I’ve got a pair of jeans on right now that look huge (well, I guess they ARE huge…).  I went to Wal-Mart last weekend and picked up three pairs of work pants and two tops.  Add this to the top I bought a couple of weeks ago, and I might just get through a whole work week.  I bought a pair of jeans from there today, so that gives me something to wear on Fridays as well.  I’m officially in a 22/24, with the pants a petite.  The pieces I got from Wal-Mart fit really well, which means I’m on the small side of a 22/24.  If I went to a plus-size clothing store, a 22 would probably do it and be just a teensy bit roomy.  Wal-Mart’s clothes are cheap, and they’re made with the least amount of fabric as they can get away with, so their clothes tend to fit snugger than clothes made by places that actually care about quality.  Regardless, I’m glad to have things that I’m not tripping over or swimming in all day.  And I was glad that I was able to get them from a store like Wal-Mart, because when you don’t care about quality, your stuff will be cheap and disposable – and that’s exactly what I need right now, because I do NOT plan to spend the next ten years at this size!  Happy though I may be to finally be back in it.

I also did almost all of my Christmas shopping last weekend.  Thank GOD for the Internet, because that’s where I went.  A couple of things I ordered were delayed in shipping, or so the website said, but I ended up getting every single thing I ordered in the mail last week.  I did this last year, too, and felt like I spent way too much money on shipping.  This year, I vowed that if I ended up needing to get something from a store that was local, I’d just to a ship to store option instead of paying for them to ship it to the house.  I haven’t had to exercise that vow yet, because almost everything I ordered was from on-line stores like Amazon and Snorg Tees.  I still need to find something for my dad, a Mission Impossible if I ever heard one.  He has no hobbies, he doesn’t work, he’s retired, he doesn’t have a social life.  He doesn’t read and doesn’t really listen to music.  He does a bit of yard work, but needs no yard tools.  He does home maintenance, but needs nothing in this area either.  He has more clothes than he could wear in a month.  He watches TV and naps in his recliner.  I have no ideas and when I ask him he says, “Aww, I already have everything I could want.”  Yeah, okay, except for the extra family living with you, right?  Would it be wrong to buy your own dad a bong?  Strangely, it’s the only thing I could think of that he would actually USE.

I went shopping earlier today for stuff for my school kids.  For the past couple of years, I’ve put together gift bags for all my students.  They’d get stuff like pencils and erasers, a little toy, a cheapie ornament, and candy.  I’d probably spend $100 or more to get everything.  If I had half a brain and planned ahead, I’d be able to get super-cool stuff from places like Oriental Trading, Windy City Novelties, and Really Cool Stuff.  But I haven’t managed yet to get that far ahead in my planning, so it hasn’t happened.  Maybe next year.  Well, this year, I decided that I didn’t want the expense or hassle of the gift bags, so I bought writing implements for each student.  I only have 27 kids (that number keeps increasing…), so I looked for the novelty pens and pencils that are out this time of year.  Oversized pens and giant pencils, pens with snowglobes on the end or that light up, pencils that are shaped like Santa, or that have a garland star where the eraser goes.  I think I ended up spending just as much, so it’ll be back to the bags of cheap crap next year.  IF I do this again next year, that is.

I am finding that I’m more and more distant from this whole Christmas tradition every year.  Walking through aisles of red, white, and green; santas and angels; garland and lights, I felt like I was in a foreign country.  The closer I got to where the gift sets were on display, the more aggressive shoppers became.  I looked around and saw nary a smile, only overly-stressed workers and harried shoppers.  Christmas music was blaring from a stereo hidden in fake snow, but it couldn’t mask the sounds of frustration, screaming kids, screaming parents, and the ever-present clanging of the Salvation Army bell.  May it melt in hell someday.  I hate that bell.

I began to wonder, why do we do this?  I mean, I am at peace with the fact that Christmas is nowhere, no way a Christian celebration.  Then again, neither is Thanksgiving, yet I’m okay with that holiday.  In fact, the GENERAL PUBLIC seems much more okay with Thanksgiving.  Oh sure, people get a little stressed over getting all the cooking coordinated and the house cleaned and dealing with family, but it’s not the depressive, antagonistic atmosphere that Christmas has come to represent.  Why do we persist in doing something that has become acutely painful and fiscally dangerous to so many of us?  What, precisely, are we celebrating?  And don’t give me that “Jesus is the reason for the season” crap, either, because somehow, I just don’t think this is Jesus’ idea of a good time.  And if you’re trying to tell me that Jesus is the reason behind people getting crushed and injured in Black Friday store openings, going into debt beyond redemption in the name of buying material goods that no one needs, of higher suicide rates, of feelings of helplessness and guilt for all those parents who just don’t have the means to accomplish all that the commercials say they should… well, I just reject that.  WE are the reason for all of the above and our entitlement mentalities are the REASON why this SEASON exists.  I don’t object AT ALL to the ideas behind honoring God’s ultimate gift to mankind: Jesus.  I don’t object AT ALL to generosity or gift giving or any of that.  But the ridiculousness that this holiday has become has SO removed it from the realm of “holy day” that I shudder calling it a “holiday” anymore. 

I don’t know.  I have no answers for you.  All I can say is that THIS household is not going to bring within its walls that spirit.  We will enjoy a winter break together, sleep late, eat bad food, get all up in each others biz-nazz, and be glad for when school begins again in January.  We will have gifts for each other, but they have been, and will continue to be, the absolute least important thing that we do over winter break.  I am looking forward to spending some time with my son and husband.  Maybe we’ll break out the board games for a change.

 

18 November 2011

This HAD to be the longest week EVER.

We started off Monday with the ACT Explore test, which effectively cancelled any teaching that anyone was planning to do since it took the majority of the day to get through.

Tuesday, um, I can’t remember Tuesday, actually.  That must have been the only “normal” day I’ve had this week.

Wednesday, I had two ARD committee meetings, back-to-back.  The second one ran an hour and a half and I missed all of the morning classes that I support.  I had a sub show up around noon.  I had nowhere I was scheduled to be, so she was sent back home with pay.  Way to organize, SpEd department.

Thursday, I had a sub show up around 8am.  Again, with no other place I needed to be, she was sent home with pay.  I DID have training off-campus from noon til 3 that day, but since no sub had been scheduled, none of my classes saw a support person.  Again.  TWO subs were paid for nothing, and I STILL had no one to cover my classes.  (I begrudge the substitute teachers nothing in the way of the district paying them. It’s not their fault someone in the administrative office has their head up their ass.)

Friday, today, I had 1) my PDAS observation/evaluation, 2) testing going on in half the classes I support, making it difficult for me to get to the OTHER half (again), 3) a parent conference during the last period, and 4) a meeting with the principal during the last period.  Add to that list the fact that today was the last day of school for a whole week, so I really needed to make sure my room was clean and ready for me to leave it for that long.  (No food or drinks left on the desk, straightened up so I don’t come back to a mess…things like that.)  I have a five-inch stack of papers sitting on the corner of my desk that need to be graded.  I had a project turned in this week, and a TON of kids that had to receive d-hall because of misbehavior in other classes (I LOVE being a homeroom teacher!).  The project and the d-halls produced more paperwork than I cared to deal with, but I did it anyway.

OH!  And Thursday’s after school detention had nearly 100 kids scheduled for it.  About 80 of them showed up.  So, I helped out the teacher who covers Thursday detention, in the hopes that she might someday return the favor to me on a Tuesday, when it’s my turn.

I came home Wednesday night running a low-grade fever – 99.0.  I took Tylenol and two hours later a dose of the prescription pain meds I have from surgery.  My whole body ached so much I couldn’t get comfortable.  I woke the next morning better rested, and not running a fever. Thank God.  I don’t know what I’d have done if I’d gotten sick.  I really just think it was me being completely run down.

Okay, better news.  Last summer, in order to keep my job, I studied for, took, and passed the K-12 Special Ed certification test, enabling me to be one of the inclusion teachers on my campus.  The district originally said that we would be reimbursed for the cost of the test, but only if we were required to take it to keep our jobs.  I was told at the beginning of this school year that I didn’t qualify for the reimbursement.  I should have inquired more, but I had too much on my plate and decided to table the issue until I felt I could deal with it.  I got a phone call from the personnel director a few weeks ago, informing me that I was entitled to the reimbursement, but I had to get the paperwork to her ASAP.  So, I did.  And the reimbursement check came in last week.  Rick and I were going to just save it for Christmas, but Joe and I need new cell phones pretty badly, so that’s what we’re going to do with it.  God has WONDERFUL timing.

Other better news, as of this morning, I weigh 240.0 pounds.  I am REALLY hoping that I will step on the scale tomorrow and be below 240.  That would be AWESOME!

 

13 November 2011

THREE TIMES I’ve had WordPress up and open at work, ready to do an entry.  You see how many entries got posted, right?! Suffice it to say, work is very busy right now.

I’ve been working on my PDAS observation lesson today.  I don’t normally create a special lesson just for my yearly observation, but it was necessary this year because of timing.  Originally, I was scheduled for tomorrow, but the eighth graders will be taking the Explore test that day and there will be nothing to observe.  I won’t even be giving the test to my regular first period kids because I’m being pulled to do small group testing with the more difficult to manage SpEd kids.  So, the principal and I tried to reschedule for the following Monday, with both of us being baffled by the fact that we both had clear calendars on the 21st.

Well, of COURSE we had clear calendars!  Ain’t nobody gonna be there!

Ahem.  We’re on Thanksgiving break as of that day, so we had to reschedule YET again.  For the 18th.  That’s Friday, y’all.  The Friday BEFORE a holiday.

Let me just break down how ridiculous this is: Monday is the Explore test – no teaching going on because the kids will be in testing rooms all day.  Tuesday is the 7th grade writing benchmark, so the rest of the campus will be ridiculous and the SpEd department will be running around like headless chickens trying to accommodate everyone.  Wednesday is a repeat of Tuesday.  Normally, the writing benchmark is one day, but because the Writing STAAR test is now two days long, the benchmark is going to be two days long. Ooo-rah state board of education.  Thursday, the 8th grade math department is supposed to be giving a unit test, which AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN IN MY ROOM BECAUSE WE’RE SO BLEEDING FAR BEHIND THE GOD-FORSAKEN CALENDAR, and I have to leave around 11:30 to go to training for the SpEd department.  Friday, the day of my observation, the day before a FRICKIN’ HOLIDAY WEEK, is when I get to try and summarize what I’ve taught that week in a cohesive, masterful lesson that will show the principal that I’m worth keeping around for another year.

I have two songs in my head right now.  They’re taking turns.  Tiptoe Through the Tulips and They’re Coming to Take Me Away.  Both are totally and completely apropos to the situation.

I was able to get to the grocery store last Monday and picked up protein shots, beef jerky, and Vienna sausage. I also bought some tuna packs that were already made into tuna salad.  Between the tuna and the Vienna sausage, I was really good to go last week.  AND I had cake.  Not a lot, though, and no candy!  I made sure that the dinner I ate was as much protein as I could get, and just picked out the parts that were carby.  There was one day that the whole dinner was carbs, so I had a can of VIenna sausage and a little beef jerky instead.  Yesterday was not good, but it could’ve been so much worse.  I did eat meat and protein, but didn’t have a protein shot.  I’d forgotten that I had bought some girl scout nuts from Joseph’s girlfriend, so those were sitting around and I snacked.  Nuts would normally be an okay snack, if I could manage not to eat my weight in them at one sitting.  And, one of the flavors I got was “Butter Toasted Peanuts” which are just peanuts roasted and coated in sugar.  SO good, but 21 grams of carbs for every 5 grams of protein.  WAY too carb heavy for me, and I ate so many that I started feeling sick.  So, they are no longer sitting on my desk, and I have gifted them to the husband to finish.

The net result of the drastic improvement in my eating was 5.2 pounds lost this week!  Yay!

I am still finding that the time between school getting out and me going home is the worst time for eating.  I just go on the hunt for carbs and it’s like my brain has a carb-sensor and can pinpoint the precise location of the closest carbohydrate.  I’m not sure what to do since I already have stuff that I could be snacking on (peanut butter, Vienna sausages, jerky).  And since I have that other stuff available, but I’m choosing not to eat it most of the time, I really need to figure out why.  Or, figure out a snack that I WILL want to eat at that time of day.  Maybe THIS is when nuts would be good.  As long as I’m not bringing the whole huge package to school and I’m re-packing into snack baggies or 1 cup bowls or something.  I’ll have to try it and see.

My current weight is 243.8 pounds. I’m not seeing a lot of inches disappearing, but then I’m only measuring four places and they’re all around my torso.  I’m beginning to see other evidence of inches lost, like rings and necklaces that either never fit but do now, or fit better than they used to.  I’m starting to be able to see the bones and tendons in the backs of my hands and the tops of my feet.  It sounds creepy, but when I used to make a fist, my knuckles were just dents.  I have actual knuckles again!  I can reach my toes while I’m sitting down, well enough so that I can paint my toenails again!  Not only are the waistbands of my pants loose, but the legs are starting to get very floppy around my thighs.  I can see the rounded parts of my shoulders re-appear, and my collarbones are starting to make appearances.  I can scratch parts of my back that I haven’t been able to reach in YEARS, and this includes being able to bend my arm so that I can straighten the bra strap that goes across my back.

So, yes, I’m seeing evidence of weight loss, even if the parts I’m measuring aren’t the ones showing it.

 

29 October 2011

What a busy week!  There wasn’t anything extraordinary going on, but it still seemed very hectic.  I’m sure it has a lot to do with the time of the year and the fact that it was “Red Ribbon Week” at school.  If you don’t know what that is, Google it.  We have a dress-up theme each day, and I’m sure that the timing of our week plus the themes are what have replaced allowing students to dress up for Halloween.  I’m not complaining, mind you, but Halloween is ONE day of craziness, while Red Ribbon Week is a WHOLE WEEK of it.

Monday was camo day, and kids wore all sorts of camo stuff from hats and bandanas and hair clips, to socks and shoes and even shoe strings.  I own nothing in camo, and have no plans to buy any just for one day a year, so I dressed as…myself.

Tuesday was nerd day.  It is quite obvious that the mental picture of “nerd” that most people have these days is still well-situated in the versions perpetrated by Urkel from Family Matters and the guys from Revenge of the Nerds.  Haven’t these people ever watched an episode of Big Bang Theory?  THOSE are NERDS, man!  I dress like a nerd every day, so I dressed as…myself.

Wednesday was jersey day, so all the kids came wearing their favorite sports jersey.  Since no one is yet making jerseys for fans of ice skaters and gymnasts, I once again dressed as…myself.

Thursday was retro day, and all and sundry came decked out in their interpretation of 80′s high fashion. Really, it was an excuse for the girls to dress as the sluttier versions of Madonna, and the boys to either try their hand at Michael Jackson look-alikes or to wear two-foot-tall afro wigs.  There was very little in-between.  And apparently, when the word “retro” is used, there are no longer any decades beyond the 1980s to consider.  What happened to dressing like a flapper, or wearing poodle skirts, or even trying out some psychedelic 60s fashions?  Even the 90′s were largely unrepresented!  I wouldn’t mind dressing up for this day, but I tossed out all my junior high and high school clothes when I grew out of them.  Still, it would be humorous to see if anyone remembers Units up at school.  Of course, I still kinda dress like that, so I would look like I was dressing as…myself.   We did have one teacher who dressed up like a Trolli doll.  She did a good job of it, too, but for me it would have created too much distraction in my class.  If she’s able to roll with it, more power to her!

Friday was twin day.  We had all sorts of kids who’d made the effort to coordinate outfits with each other.  Most were just twins, but we had a few sets of triplets and even some quads!  The funniest ones were the actual twins that dressed up, but not to coordinate with each other!  One teacher dressed as a twin, with a parasitic twin attached at her hip.  All you could see were the legs sticking out, but at least they wore matching pants!  I dressed as…myself.  I need no twin.

IN other news…no netted weight loss this week.  It’s a bit frustrating, but I’m seeing what’s going on.  Money has been nonexistent this week, and I have no protein shots.  No protein shots means I’m hungry a lot more often, so I’m eating more.  I did cut out most of the carbs, but not all.  Even today, when I went to lunch with Rick, I had chicken flautas.  Chicken = good, fried tortilla = not so much.  The funds issue will improve greatly this week, so I’ll be doing a little grocery shopping to pick up a couple of boxes of protein shots, and some bags of beef jerky.  I am doing pretty well with eating meals except that I’m feeling too hungry and eating too much too fast without chewing carefully enough.  The protein shots really helped with that and kept me from feeling so panicked when I was finally able to sit down to a meal.  I had the control to eat slowly, picking out the best parts, focusing on the protein, chewing well, and stopping the moment I felt my stomach at capacity.  It’s interesting to see how much such a small thing can affect my life!

It seems strange to me, still, that my weight loss can stall out so easily.  I mean, for a decade or more, I was eating enough for 4-5 people, and gaining VERY slowly.  If I did something very minor, such as choosing a salad for lunch every day instead of a hamburger, I would lose weight.  Not a lot, but some.  But my breakfast, dinner, and snacks were still enough food for multiple people!  Now, I’m eating such a small volume of food that it seems like I should be losing weight regardless of the food I feed myself.  But time after time, I’m finding that if I don’t maintain a balance of 95% protein, 5% everything else, I start to stagnate and even gain weight back.

Example time.  In a day, I had a cup of coffee (non-dairy creamer, Splenda) before I left for work.  Had another half cup (same additions) at work.  For lunch, I had half a baked chicken breast with homemade gravy and 1/4 cup of rice that I didn’t finish.  After work but before I went home, I had a mini box of Nerds candy.  At home, I had 4-6 ounces of meatloaf and a cup of salad with a small amount of dressing.  This is typical eating for me without a protein shot.  My major carb sources were the rice and the candy, but neither were huge amounts of food.  Yet, even that little will keep me from losing weight.  ESPECIALLY if I have it daily.  Every once in a while, having the rice OR the candy (but not both) is okay, but daily will stall out the weight loss.

With a protein shot, I will have the cup of coffee, creamer, & Splenda before work.  Once I get to work, I’ll drink a blend of apple or grape juice plus protein shot over ice instead of the coffee.  Major carb source will be the juice (no sugar added variety and zero carbs in the shot).  In between classes, I’ll have sips of the juice/protein.  By lunch, I’ll be a little hungry, but not hugely so and will really only want a few pieces of beef jerky or two to three slices of deli lunch meat.  Sometimes I’ll eat two to three Vienna sausages, and put the rest in the fridge for either later that day or the next day’s lunch.  Instead of candy between work and home, I’ll work on the juice/protein, but by this point it’s pretty watered down and I’ve added ice back to it.  Even watered down, though, it has small amounts of carbs and protein that keep my stomach more occupied and me not concerned about food.  If I’ve had a really physically busy few days and I’m feeling extra hungry, or if I’m at work later than usual (later than 7pm), I might have a few more slices of lunch meat, a few more pieces of jerky, or finish the sausages from earlier.  If I do have more meat, I usually am not hungry enough to have much, if anything, of dinner.  I may have a tablespoon of peanut butter right before I go to bed, if I start to feel hungry.  If it’s the weekend and I know I can stay up later, I’ll eat later.  I have to sit up for at least 30 minutes after I’ve eaten, though, so during the week, if I get home really late, eating isn’t a very pleasant option for a good night’s sleep.

In both situations, I’m not eating a large volume of food AT ALL.  But in the first scenario, I’m eating a higher volume of carbs, and that’s the difference. Thankfully, my family loves me, and when my mother went grocery shopping yesterday, she bought me a bag of beef jerky and a couple of bottles of no sugar added juices.  Monday, I should be able to stop by the grocery store and will pick up at least two boxes of protein shots – one for home and one for work – plus a few cans of Vienna sausages or a package or two of lunch meat for school.  Once I have what I need protein-wise, I’m going to keep very close records of exactly what I’m eating and how much for a couple of weeks, then compare that to whether I’m seeing any weight loss.  I need to make sure that what I THINK is happening is correct.  I’ve never been good at being honest with myself about what I eat, so I could feasibly be eating WAY more than I want to believe I am, and the carbs have absolutely nothing to do with it.  I won’t know until I get the carbs back down and start tracking volume.

I don’t want to have to spend my time doing things like this.  I don’t believe that “normal” people live this way!  I don’t believe that God means for us to be so highly focused on diet and food!  But I also know that sometimes God will have us focus on one thing and one thing only until we get it right – to HIS standards.  So, I’m going to focus on this until what I know should be happening starts to happen again.

I am still SO thankful, though!  I’ve lost sixty-seven pounds!  I weigh less than 250 (by a little) for the first time in probably a decade or more!  Even this would not have happened if God were not faithful and loving!  So, praise God that I am a size smaller!  I am praying that I can now stay faithful to what HE’S done for ME, and that I remember that not even surgery will help me lose weight if I forget that God is in control of all His creation!

 

23 October 2011

I’m stuck.  Weight-wise, I’m not losing.  And I know why.  Carbs.

Carbs, for me, are the most evil thing I can eat.  I abused my system for so many years, consuming far more than my body would ever need and having days go by with nothing eaten by highly processed carbs, that now I am overly sensitive to them and my body reacts poorly to my eating them.

I was 248 pounds last Sunday, today I’m 248.2 pounds.  That means I’ve lost zero weight in the past week, and I KNOW it’s because of the carbs I’ve been eating.  My surgeon warned that as time goes on, the level of carbohydrates in my diet will start to creep back up, and that when I see a stall-out on weight loss or even a weight gain, that’s what I need to look at.  Well, I feel like I’ve been stalled out for a few weeks now, but this past week really clenched it.  Zero weight loss!

So, I’ve been beating myself up for the past couple of days, berating myself for “falling off the carb wagon,” so to speak.  That hasn’t been useful, and I’ve still had a few of the mini candy bars Mom bought this week.  When i eat carbs, I’m hungry again very quickly.  So, a “snack” of 2-3 mini candy bars will make me full, but I’m hungry again in an hour.  And when I feel hunger (yes, actual hunger! I thought that was going to go away!) I become mentally consumed with eating. Can’t think about anything else – especially when I’m at home.  At work, I just don’t have that much food available, and I always have something I need to be doing.  So, I can distract myself for a short time when I’m working, but I can’t do it at home.  I can’t keep eating high-cal, high-carb foods all day, either!  The solution is to fall back to what I know I’m supposed to be doing, and eating my protein first.

My goal this week is to cut out the high-processed carbs completely.  Get back on the protein like I’m supposed to be.  Of course, I don’t have any of the protein shots I’m supposed to be using as meal replacements (and they help to stave off the feelings of hunger that result from boredom and stress), and I don’t have the money to buy any right now, but I’ll just have to muddle through.  I have unbreaded fish in the freezer I can fix for lunches this week, and I even think I have a package of chicken breast tenders (unbreaded) that I can fix for lunches or dinners.  I’ve seen the rest of the “family food” that’s on schedule for dinner this week, and it’s deadly to me.  Taquitos, chimichangas, egg rolls, breaded chicken strips, chicken fried steak, and lots of potatoes and pasta to be fixed on the side.  Nope, nope, nope…not for me!

I may sound like I’m going to extremes, and really, I am.  But, I also abused my body to an extreme, and it’s going to take a monumental effort to repair that damage.  I can’t allow myself to be satisfied with a 67 pound weight loss, when the result is that I still haven’t really broken those unhealthy eating habits.  I had the surgery so that I would change my life for the long-haul, not the short term.  And I have to remember that it’s okay for even me to have candy or cake or even pasta or potatoes.  But not every day, not even every week. Not 3 months after surgery, and maybe not even a year after surgery.  It’s going to take a very long time for my body to respond like a normal person’s, and for my mentality to really, truly change about food.

I have to remember to LISTEN to my stomach!  I’m trying SO hard to finish my food again!  I’m almost always in pain by the end of a meal.  Really, it’s ridiculous!  I have not gotten to the bottom of my problem when it comes to the volume of food I think I need to eat.  I just finished a can of Vienna sausages, for example.  There are seven sausages in a can.  By the sixth one, I felt a small ache when I swallowed.  That’s a sure sign that my stomach is full.  I finished the can anyway!  Now, I’m sitting here and every couple of minutes I feel a short, sharp pain in my stomach, and the sausages feel like they’re sitting at the bottom of my throat.  I do this almost EVERY time I eat.  WHY?!?  And yes, I have tried sitting down with only three to five of the sausages instead of the whole can.  Within 30 minutes, I’ve gone to get the rest of the sausages and have eaten them.

How can I be such a smart person and be so DUMB about this?

Okay, in other news, we finally got ourselves together on a Saturday morning, went to the bank, and opened up two savings accounts.  One is for Joseph, so that he has a place to deposit his paychecks.  We agreed to let him have 30%-40% of each check, but he MUST keep in savings the rest of the money.  And, he is not allowed to withdraw money from the account if the withdrawal will bring his balance below $300.  If he does, he’ll start paying a monthly fee for having the account, and what’s the point of that?  We also opened one for me and Rick, and have a set amount each month that will transfer from our checking to the new savings.  We’re hoping that having an established savings account will help when it comes time for us to buy a house, and having the automatic transfer will ensure that we’re actually adding to it each month.  Plus the transfer keeps US from paying the monthly fee.

I’ve been noticing a trend when I balance the books and pay bills: we have no money left.  And, too often, we’re spending part of my paycheck before it’s been deposited.  That’s really scary.  I’ve had a few times when I’ve had to put off paying a bill that was due because we’d overspent before the new check was deposited.  I started looking at the breakdown of what bill is paid on which check (I get paid twice a month), and how much money we should have left until I get paid again.  We shouldn’t be having this problem.  There’s more than enough money on each paycheck to pay the bills, plus we have a little money to work with until the next pay day.  Mind you, there’s not a LOT of money left, but there is enough for gas, beer, cigarettes (for him who has the addictions), and even a little food.  I had this brilliant idea to figure out how much money we had available to spend each day between checks.  It comes to about $40 a day.  Really?  I had no idea!  Granted, filling up ONE car with gas will spend all of that, but it’s not like we’re filling up daily.  He probably uses a tank of gas every week, and I use one take every week and a half to two weeks.  The cigarettes are costing him a pretty penny, though, and the beer can be pretty expensive as well, even though he does buy the cheapest stuff in the store (on both counts).  So, I guess, if he wants to keep up with his bad habits, he’s going to have to consider what it’s costing him to do so!

The bottom line is that we each have $20 each day that we can spend.  If we each have to be put on an allowance system to make sure we don’t go over that amount, that’s what I’ll do.  Even so far as to withdraw the cash and take away our debit cards.  I would LOVE it, if I was able to take what we didn’t spend each week, and redeposit it, but into our savings.  We don’t spend it, so we SAVE it.  I don’t think we realize how much we really could be saving every month.

You know you wanna.....touch me.