Life has interrupted, somewhat Tuesday, Aug 21 2007

Life has suddenly gotten much, much busier.  School started for me yesterday, and between classes and home life, I’m so busy I don’t know if I’m coming or going. 

I am still working through the Weigh Down principles.  In fact, I want to make a point to stop for a couple of hours this weekend to get a much-needed “drink,” so I’ll hopefully be updating soon with my thoughts on the next chapter.  All-in-all, things are going pretty well with my depending on God instead of food.  I’m learning how to wait, and how to praise Him and lean into Him when I feel temptation.  I’m also finding the need to extend a word of praise to Him when I encounter hunger. 

I’m actually finding school to be quite conducive to obedience to God.  I don’t like to eat during class, mainly because I’m usually too busy taking notes and participating for me to want eating to interrupt.  Because of this, I’m usually very hungry by the time I get out of my morning class.  I have very long breaks between my classes every day, and since I’m commuting over an hour to get to school nowadays, I don’t go home.  Instead, I use the time I would be driving back and forth (and wasting precious gasoline in the process) to just stay at school and do homework.  Or, at least I will once “real” homework has been assigned.  But I have five and six hour breaks to fill, and that’s a lot of time, even if I DID have homework right now.

I’m taking a lunch bag with me every day to accomodate my new eating habits.  Sometimes I take a small bowl of whatever we had for dinner the night before, sometimes a sandwich that has been cut in half and bagged separately.  I have a small, individual container of either Pringles Minis or Doritos Minis.  There’s fruit, pre-sliced so that I can stop eating when I’m satisfied without putting partially eaten fruit back in the bag (yuk!), or throwing out food I may need later.  I usually have either a stick of string cheese or a small baby bel cheese.  Just one.  I also pack a small, individually sized bag of cookies, a breakfast bar, and an individual pack of peanut butter/cheese crackers.  I take along one small bottle of juice, a can of diet soda and a bottle of water.  Now, keep in mind that less than half the food is eaten.  Today, for instance, I took leftovers instead of a sandwich, plus all the rest of the stuff.  I came home with half a bag of fruit, the breakfast bar, the crackers, the chips, the cookies, and the juice.  I threw out half of the can of soda and refilled the water bottle once.  I want to make sure that even while I’m stuck at school, I have a wide selection of foods to choose from.  That way, when I find that I’m hungry, I can eat the thing that’s closest to what I’m craving at that moment.  Sometimes, it’s not exact, but at least I’m close.  Eating what my body is asking for keeps me from continuing to feel head hunger, which is just my head telling me that I didn’t satisfy the craving, only the physical need for food. 

So, I make a point of having my morning coffee before I leave for the day.  When I get to school, I go straight to class.  When I get out of class, I find a table in a quiet corner of the common area, pull out my Bible and a Bible study, and then pull out ONE of the individually packaged items in my lunch bag.  Sometimes I want the soda and sometimes just the water.  As I read and study my Bible, I nibble at whatever it was I pulled out for lunch.  Usually it’s either the sandwich or the leftovers – whichever I packed that day.  By the time I’ve finished (or come close to finishing) the food I pulled out, it’s been about an hour.  I pack my stuff up and head upstairs for the library, throwing away any partially-eaten food and/or the wrappers.  At this point, I still have four to five hours to kill before my late class, so this is the time I’m going to use to study.  I can’t eat or drink in the library, so I take one last assessment of myself.  Do I feel hungry whatsoever?  If yes, I’ll find a bench and snack on whatever else I’m hungry for, then head into the library.  About 45 minutes before my late class begins, I leave the library.  This gives me the opportunity to walk around a little, use the restroom, and take another assessment.  Do I feel hungry?  Am I hungry enough to eat right now, or can it wait for dinner when I get home?  Monday, when I took a sandwich, I was hungry enough to eat again, so I ate the other half of my sandwich and had most of the juice.  It was the perfect amount of food to last until I got home.  And I was really ready for dinner by the time I got home!  Today, though, I wasn’t hungry enough to eat.  I had taken leftovers, and apparently those keep me satisfied for longer periods.  That’s very useful to know.

So, I’m really pleased with how well God has this worked out for me.  In previous school years, I used my breaks to purchase fast food (and LOTS of it) and do homework.  I completely ignored God while I was at school.  Well, not completely, but He certainly wasn’t at the forefront of my mind all day!  I let the school work take precedence over my relationship with Him.  And I filled that emptiness with food, food food, and more food.  I drove myself to work harder, do more, get that A!  While forgetting Who it was that put me there in the first place.  Last year, I really felt my life was out of control.  Last semester, I only had three classes, yet I still felt like I couldn’t keep up!  My thoughts on waking was where I was going to go for breakfast.  When my early class was about to be over, my thoughts would turn to where I could go for lunch that day.  So much food!  I would go back to class after lunch and would be completely exhausted – ready for a nap.  Well, no wonder!  I was eating enough for 3 people!  Now, I go to my late class and I still have energy.  Mentally, I’m pretty alert.  Overall, I’m ready to learn again.

I realized today that being ready for class, happy, energetic, alert, and responsive - all things that I’m not when I’m extremely full – serves to glorify God.  He’s the one who made it possible for me to go, after all.  Everything I do while I’m there should serve to glorify and exemplify Him.

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Great is Thy faithfulness… Tuesday, Aug 14 2007

 It’s been a few days since I’ve written about my journey through Weigh Down.  A lot has happened, so it’s difficult to remember where I left off.  And it’s strange to realize it’s barely been a week or so! 

Well, God continues to show His faithfulness to me in ways that I’ve never seen before.  For example, this past Saturday, it was about 6pm and I was in the kitchen.  Without even thinking about it, I opened the pantry and began looking around for something to snack on.  I wasn’t seeing anything I wanted, which made me stop and think for a moment.  Was I really hungry?  Not really.  I could tell that my stomach would probably be asking for food within the hour, but at that moment I was definitely not hungry.  I pleaded with God, “But I’m gonna be hungry soon!  Can’t I just go ahead and eat now?!?”  But the answer was, “No.”  My body did not need food! 

Against my better judgement, I closed the pantry door, grabbed a Diet Coke and went back to the research I’ve been doing on the Internet.  The phone, it seemed, was somehow activated with my butt touching my desk chair, because as soon as I sat down in the office, the phone began to ring.  It was my husband calling, on his way home from work.  “Hey, hon.  How about we try that new Asian restaurant that just opened in town?”  Chinese food!  Woop! 

You see, God saw my obedience!  It was as if I could hear Him saying, “Well done, child.  Well done.”  I had been craving Chinese food for days at that point, but I had been hesitant to go to a restaurant again after my last experience at Iguana Joe’s.  It was because of this hesitance that I didn’t mention my craving to my husband, who will eat Chinese every day for every meal, if he could.  I was trying to avoid temptation by avoiding the thing that I felt I had no control over.  But even in this, God was faithful. 

The restaurant was small, very intimate, and was NOT a buffet (thank the LORD!).  It served Chinese and Japanese foods, plus had an honest-to-goodness sushi chef on staff.  We placed our orders, me avoiding an appetizer so that I would be able to eat more of my dinner, and waited just a short time before our plates came out.  Amazingly, unlike every other Chinese restaurant I’ve been to – buffet or otherwise – the food did not come out on serving platters!  Usually when you order sesame chicken at a Chinese place, you get enough for 3-4 people to eat from.  In fact, after talking to several Chinese restaurant proprietors in the past, that was the original intent of serving such large portions.  In Chinese culture, everyone shares common dishes.  In America, every gets their own – which is why Americans tend to eat the entire dish they’ve ordered.  This restaurant, though, served the food in individual portions.  I received a plate – slightly smaller than your standard dinner plate – of sesame chicken, and a small bowl of rice on the side.  There was, perhaps, a cup of rice, and 8-9 pieces of chicken. 

The food, delectable!  Delightful!  Delicious!  I made sure to taste everything I had – only two things, but still – before I decided that I wanted the chicken much more than the rice.  So, even though I ate all of the chicken, I did leave over half the rice. 

It is this kind of generosity and faithfulness that draws me ever nearer to my God.  He loves me so much that he rewarded my obedience and patience with a trip out to eat, which is a treat in and of itself!  And, he calmed my fears by introducing me to a new restaurant that not only does not have an evil buffet, but serves reasonable portion sizes!  And, IT WAS GOOD!

I am SO humbled, daily, every moment, by your Grace, Father!  I am the least deserving of your children, yet You show me such kindness and love.  You never let me down!  Every step I take, You’re right there.  Sometimes You keep me from falling, and sometimes You help me up.  But either way, it’s exactly what I needed at that moment.  THANK YOU, Jesus!

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Answers Sunday, Aug 12 2007

I’ve spent a lot of time in fervent prayer the past few days.  I’ve been reading everything I can get my eyes on, trying to find the answers to the questions I have about my faith.  I “stumbled upon” a website yesterday (www.yashanet.com) that not only had some free, on-line Bible studies available, but they also had an article posted that is serving to answer many, if not all, of my questions.

Even as a child, I wondered about this mysterious “Old Testament” that was in my Bible.  It seemed to be there only to make the book look more impressive.  No one really did anything with it.  Oh, there were a few stories that we were taught in Sunday school, but the bulk of my Christian “education” came from the New Testament.  But even those books were not used in their entirety.  Only bits and pieces, and only from certain books.  Yet, at the very same time, we were taught that the Bible is the Word of God, and that God (and His Word) is the same yesterday, today, and forever. 

As I got older, I started sensing some inconsistencies in what I’d been taught.  My first real problem was that, if all Christian churches are worshipping the same god, then why are they all so different?  And why do some of them seem to be so aggressive in their dislike of each other?  The Methodists are bad-mouthing the Baptists.  The Pentecostals are cursing, well, pretty much everybody.  If you sat in the services, you would quickly find out that this denomination fully believed that they, and only they, had it right and every other denomination was going to burn in Hell for eternity.

When I got married, my mother-in-law, a devout Catholic, would not accept that her Protestant daughter-in-law worshipped the same God she did.  Anyone not in the Catholic church, in her opinion, was going to Hell.  I couldn’t understand this.  How can she not see that her God and my God were one in the same?

Well, come to find out, my mother-in-law was right, because they’re not.  In fact, neither of us were really worshipping the God we thought we were. 

As a person that loves to learn and thrives on digging for information, I have found my return to college to be a wonderful blessing in my life.  I was taught, quite correctly, in my English and history courses that, in order to truly understand what you’re reading, you have to make sure you’re reading in context.  I was pleased that I was familiar with this concept already.  After all, all the pastors, Bible teachers, and religious figures I’d learned from over the years had taught me to read the Bible “in context,” right?

Wrong.  The Christian church today doesn’t really understand (for whatever reason) how to read the Bible in context.  To accomplish “in context” reading, you must make sure you’re reading all of the pertinent text and not just the sentence or two that has been referred to.  For Bible reading, this means that you often should read not only the verse(s) that you’re studying, but also the chapter it’s in, maybe even the chapters before and after, and sometimes even the entire book.  But this is not where “in context” reading ends.  Until you have at least a basic grasp of the history, culture and social structure in which the writer lived, you will never truly understand what you’ve read.  Oh sure, you can get the general, surface idea, but you’ll miss the deeper understanding that the writer was trying to convey.  My Literature and history classes taught me that there are three levels to contextual reading: 1) Grammatical or Literary context (this is what the Christian church teaches), 2) Historical context, 3) Cultural or religious context.

Once I understood how deep your understanding can go when you have a grasp of all three contexts, I began reading my Bible again.  And immediately came to a screeching halt.  I had no clue about the historical setting of the Bible.  And in order to understand the religious context, I would need to understand Judaism.  Except, didn’t my church experiences teach me that Jews were beneath us?  That we were more enlightened and free than they?  I know that none of my religious teachers ever came out and said, “Jews are beneath Christians because they’re too dumb to recognize their own Messiah,” but it was certainly implied.  And, they DID come out and say that we were more enlightened and even hedged to suggest that Jews were no longer the chosen people of God, and He had instead chosen the Church.

And this is where I was sitting about a month ago.  I desired to know the Book that God had given me as instructions on how He wanted me to live.  Yet, every time I would try to study a passage, it would either conflict with something I’d read in the Old Testament, or (if reading the OT) would conflict with what I’d been taught.  I started wondering, if we are saved by grace alone (and we are) and we are no longer “under the Law,” then how are we supposed to live?  I mean, I was taught and made to memorize the 10 Commandments as a small child.  I even attempted to start my own on-line studies with this subject.  But, if we’re not under the Law, why are Christians still proclaiming that we have to abide by the 10 Commandments?  Aren’t they part of the Law?  If it’s true that Jesus took the place of the law and replaced it with “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, mind and spirit” and “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” then isn’t homosexuality okay?  I mean, they’re both men, but they’re in LOVE!   And they love God!  Yet, Christian church after Christian church speaks out against homosexuality.  The New Testament is silent on this subject.  So, if we’re not under the Law, what Law are the homosexuals breaking?  (Sorry to use homosexuality as the example.  I love people, regardless of their sexual partner.  I don’t feel it’s my place to judge them, so no hate mail please.)

On the other side of the argument is that if we are supposed to be “under the Law” then aren’t we supposed to be under ALL of it?  If that’s so, then why aren’t we sacrificing animals?  Well, part of the explanation that I’ve been given for this one is that Jesus took the place of the sacrifical system with his ultimate sacrifice on the cross.  Others say it’s because the sacrifices were to be done at the Temple, and there are none any longer.  Okay.  Fine.  But what about the other Laws?  There are over 600 of them.  If we’re still under the Law, is it right to pick and choose which we follow and which we don’t?  Well, of course not!  Besides, following the Law makes me no better than the Jews.  And we’re not supposed to be like the Jews.

So, there was my conflict.  There’s more to it, of course.  Things like, being filled with the Holy Ghost, baptism, holidays, foods we should be eating…all of that was part of it too.  Which, really, just complicated the issue.  The more I thought about my own doctrines, the ones I’ve been taught my whole life, the more conflicted I became. 

Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time reading a relatively short document on yashanet.com.  It covered nearly every item I’d been struggling with.  And it did so using the Old and New Testaments (for literary context), ancient Hebrew texts (for the religious/social context), and historical sources (for historical context).  It presented the Christian view as well as the Jewish view of my conflict.  Apparently I’m not the first one to run into this, thank goodness.  If you’re brave and you’re willing to hang up your superiority hat, you can try reading it: http://www.yashanet.com/library/underlaw.htm. 

I know that there will be people that do not understand what I’m probably going to do here in the next few months.  My family will not understand and they’ll try to fight me on it.  My husband and son will probably come along for the ride.  In fact, my husband has the same document on his computer and is in the process of reading it.  It will take him longer because he’s not as familiar with the issues or the scripture as I am, but he’ll get there.  He’s willing, at least.  My father may come close to disowning me.  He might surprise me, but I’m preparing myself for the worst.  I really don’t keep a lot of friends, and the ones that matter the most to me will understand, for the most part. 

I am no longer convinced that there should be a significant difference between a Jew and a Christian.  In fact, after some of the research I’ve done, I’m almost ashamed to be associated with the label of Christian.  The Old Testament and New Testament are the same book and are mislabeled.  We are under the false assumption that the idea of ‘Church’ is Biblical, and it’s not.  The Bible I read every day is replete with anti-Semitic and anti-Torah ideas and has been purposefully mis-translated to support these ideas.  This was not God’s plan for His people!  We have been lied to and misled by the very men (and women) who we placed our trust in to lead us responsibly to spiritual victory.  I am saved by the grace of my Messiah, Jesus Christ.  Now, my heart desires to be an obedient child and to do what Jesus said I should do.  Not just what has been misinterpreted in the New Testament, but with Old Testament revelation clarifying what the New Testament means (not the other way around!).  Jesus never abolished the Law.  Jesus is the one who GAVE us the Law!  Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and so is His Word! 

I still don’t have answers to all my questions, but I’m getting there.  There is such vehement opposition to doing what I’m considering doing, that I’m almost afraid of the comments I may get for posting this.  But I know, in my heart of hearts, that I am right.  I had to set my prejudices aside and open my heart to accepting the TRUTH that God was giving me first.  And yet, my mind still wants to doubt.  God never said it would be easy, though.  He only said that He’d be with me always.

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feeling a little lost Saturday, Aug 11 2007

So, a couple of days ago, I began my investigation of Biblical truth with the 10 Commandments.  I want to continue, but I’m really having trouble.  Not with comprehension of the Commandments, but with other, peripheral things.

I’ve been reading more and more of the New Testament than I ever have before.  In fact, just a few days ago, I finished reading Acts – something I’ve never done.  There is so much in the New Testament that seems to support the idea that we, as Christians, are still responsible for adhering to the Law of Moses.  But then I started reading Galatians and now I’m conflicted.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Bible does not contradict itself, yet Paul seems to be doing that very thing in his letter to the Galatians.  I know there must be an explanation, but I have not found it. 

My dearest hope is to find the truth of how God wants His people to live and worship.  However, the Bible is so dense, and I have such few resources at my disposal at the moment, that I feel a little lost and overwhelmed.  I know that the Bible tells me that any doctrine that makes you question God is demonic.  I’m not questioning God, though.  I’m questioning man’s interpretation of God’s Word.

I feel like I’m on a see-saw and that I’m being pulled first this way and then that way.  It shouldn’t be like this!  Just last week, I was almost convinced that the Messianic Jews have it right.  I’m not so sure now.  I’ve been praying almost continually for the past two days that God would give me wisdom and discernment in this matter, but I’m finding no relief.  Our tendency, as humans, is to hold on to the way it’s “always been done,” yet I know that the American Protestant church has significant doctrinal problems and things need to change.  I am not sure I’m capable of pinpointing those problems and successfully refuting them.  I need evidence, not just for myself, but for others who will inevitably question my decisions.

I don’t know what to do.  But I will not give up.  There must be an answer somewhere.

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doctrine Wednesday, Aug 8 2007

I’m in the process of finding out the truth about the belief system I claim – Christianity.  I have had the suspicion for several years that something is terribly wrong in the American Christian church.  I have recently felt strongly led to start investigating this suspicion.  I’m not sure how I’m going to go about presenting the information I’m uncovering.  This is a learning process that I’m going through, after all.

In preface to any research I present on this blog, let me say first that I am by no means a Bible scholar.  I am a willing student, however.  I firmly believe that the truth is out there, if you are willing to search for it.  I do not claim to be an expert in what I am studying.  After all, I’m the one doing the studying!  I would like to try to focus on one doctrine at a time.  For example, focus on the 10 Commandments, then on the Trinity, then on Holy days, etc.  I’m not sure it’s possible to do this since, as in most other subjects, the topics overlap. 

Before I go any further, I need to state that I use the King James version of the Bible only.  In referencing scripture, I have taken the time to read the entire chapter, sometimes the chapters preceeding and following, and somtimes the entire book that contains the verse(s) I’m referring to.  I have done this in order to refrain from taking any scripture out of the context in which God intended it to be understood.  There are incredibly heated debates over which version of the Bible is best to use.  I have found, in most cases, it is best to go back to the source.  But since I am not fluent in ancient Hebrew, Aramaic, or Greek, this would be impossible.  However, I can go back to the oldest translation I can get my hands on – which just so happens to be the King James translation.  There are tons of articles you can read that give even better reasons and arguments for using this version for studying God’s word.  I trust you can find these for yourself and make an educated decision without my input.

In order to understand the standpoint from which I am studying, you need to know a few things.  First, I believe that the Bible is the perfect, infallible word of God.  I believe that in order to understand the context from which the Bible was written, it is necessary to understand the culture that wrote it.  However, I do not believe that the Bible is antiquated or that it no longer contains anything that would be pertinent to the modern world.  On the contrary, I believe that the Bible is absolutely relevant and applicable to every aspect of our lives and should be applied and utilized liberally.  Second, I believe in one God.  This God is represented in the Trinity as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  These are not three separate entities, but three aspects of the same God.  God has no beginning and no end.  He was here before the Earth, and created the Earth.  He sees the end of times while simultaneously seeing the beginning.  I do not claim to comprehend the bigness that is God.  I simply accept.  That’s called faith.  Third, I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and was sent to Earth as a man in order to be the final blood sacrifice on a cross for my sins.  I do not believe that any other religion, with the exception of Judaism, worships the same God I do.  If you do not believe in the God of the Bible and only the Bible, we do not worship the same being.  I’m not criticizing, I’m just sayin’.  You’ve made your choice and I’ve made mine.  Let’s leave it at that and move on.

If you do not have the faith in the things that I do, we will not see eye to eye on what I’m researching.  I have the feeling that even if we share the same faith, we still may not see eye t0 eye on what I find.  There is often a price to be paid for truth and seeking it.  I welcome commentary on the information I’m putting here.  Just be forewarned that if things get abusive, I’ll cut you off.  Again, just sayin’.  I’m not dissin’ you, I’m just a seeker of truth in my own religion. 

Okay.  I guess at this point, I’m going to dip a toe in the waters by starting with Biblical law.  It’s a big subject and I could probably spend the rest of my life on this topic, alone.  So, beginning with the basics, we have the 10 Commandments, which were given to Moses directly from God’s hand on Mt. Sinai.  The story of the giving of the Commandments is found in Exodus 19 and 20.  Before the Commandments are even given, though, God tries to teach the Israelites about obedience:

Now therefore, if ye will obey my voice indeed, and keep my covenant, then ye shall be a peculiar treasure unto me above all people: for all the earth is mine: And ye shall be unto me a kingdom of priests, and an holy nation.  These are the words which thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel.  (Exodus 19:5-6)

With these words, God comes right out and tells the Israelites that if they will just obey God’s laws, they will be rewarded by being appointed positions of authority in God’s kingdom.  They didn’t, of course, but it’s not for lack of encouragement on God’s part.  In Exodus 20, we get the rundown of the official “rules”.  They are ones we are all generally familiar with – after all, they’ve gotten a lot of press lately for being in places that some seem to think are inappropriate.  (A ridiculous notion, in my opinion, since so many religions adhere to the majority of the Commandments.) 

First and foremost, we are commanded, hence the word Commandment, to have no other gods before Him.  We are reminded that it was He that brought us out of our place of slavery (Egypt, for the Israelites).  He establishes himself as the one who saved us.  Our savior.  Now, where have I heard of someone being referred to as a “savior”?   Hmmm…  To make it absolutely clear that nothing should be placed as a higher priority than God, He gets specific: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven or above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. (Ex. 20:4-6)

Wow.  First He says what we should not be using to represent a god, and then He says what not to do with those things.  Now, think about the word “jealous”.   When I think about this word, my thoughts immediately turn to lovers.  A jealous lover.  I think this is precisely how God wants us to understand this passage.  He loves us so fiercely, that he is jealous of anything and everything that gets between you and Him.  He is so adamant about this commandment that he places severe consequences on those that disobey.  If you choose to go against God, He will make you pay for it.  He will make your children pay for it.  He will make your grandchildren pay for it.  He will make your great-grandchildren pay for it.  He will even make your great-great-grandchildren pay for it.  By the time He gets to the fourth generation, your family’s done forgot who it was that brought this bad luck on them in the first place!  Imagine being loved so thoroughly!

***Upon review of what I’ve done so far today, I’m going to stop here and pick this up on another day.  Check back soon!***

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Into the desert Tuesday, Aug 7 2007

I finished reading Phase I of The Weigh Down Diet by Gwen Shamblin.  I’ve read to this point once before, but was more affected by it this time.  I think that it’s because I’m not just looking to change my eating habits.  I want to change ME.  I’m actively seeking a closer, deeper relationship with Jesus.  I want to make substantial and sustainable changes in my life. 

I’ve read one chapter into Phase II and find that it is here that I must pause.  Not stop; just pause.  I’ve learned what I need to know about how God wants me to eat.  That’s what Phase I is all about.  This is where I usually give up, and I finally realized why that is.  This is when you enter the desert.  This is when you have to do the hard work of resisting temptation.  This is when you leave the place you were enslaved, but impoverished, to a land that seems to be in desolation, even though you’re free.  It is a place where I will be tested, but the testing has purpose.  It is to see if I will learn to press even further into our Savior, or run back into the slavery of my past.  I’ve always chosen slavery over Him.  How sad.

Mrs. Shamblin refers to Phase II as “drinks of cool water”, an oasis in the midst of your desert journeys.  So, as I place the first foot onto the sand, I’m going to take small sips of my “cool water.”  Never fear; I will be revisiting the book from time to time so that I can finally complete this journey.

Slowing down on studying Weigh Down serves another purpose.  It will allow me time to study other subjects in the Bible.  Food, eating, and diets are just a part of what I need to learn from this Life Manual.  It is here that I have called on the breadth of knowledge and wisdom of my best friend, CH.  I will be referring extensively to the notes she so graciously has provided me.  But that’s for another entry.  Today, I would like to just leave it at a few sentences that jumped out to me while I was reading Weigh Down today.

“Small, but perfect bites.” and “You know what you are craving.”  (109-110)  For me, this is a real issue.  I will get hungry and will grab whatever comes to hand (or mouth) first.  I no longer will gorge on the food that I chose, which is good, but I’m not really satisfying the hunger God put into me.  When I just eat whatever is handy instead of what my body is craving, I will eventually fall back into eating just to eat.  This is especially true when it comes to dessert and snacks.  I need to wait a little longer and force myself to consider my hunger.  Think first and try to figure out what I want.  If I get hungry after dinner and want a snack, I need to figure out what kind of snack my body is craving.  Does it want something sweet or salty?  Crunch or soft?  THINK FIRST, EAT LATER!

“Get only the best.” (110)  This goes along with the above quotes.  Not only do I need to recognize what I’m craving, but I need to make sure I’m only eating the best parts of that food.  My heart still desires to eat it all, even if I have become satisfied.  Do I need to eat the broken bits of chips at the bottom of the bowl?  Not a chance.

“Your stomach cannot taste.” (111)  Such a small statement for such a big idea.  It’s not like we don’t know that our stomach has no taste buds, but we eat like it does!  Another thing for me to remember is to eat slowly so that I can savor each bite.  Those Doritos aren’t going anywhere!  By chewing my food carefully and making the effort to taste all the flavors of my food, I’m discovering that some of the things I thought I loved, I really don’t!  I canNOT abide the taste of McDonald’s fish sandwiches anymore.  They taste sour and old.  The same goes for their French fries and hash browns.  Maybe it has something to do with the oil they use to deep fry in.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I was eating food that actually tastes disgusting so that my mind had the satisfaction of knowing that I’d eaten it.  What a ridiculous thing to do.

“God created man to like this (desserts) or how would so many diverse populations do the same thing (eat dessert after dinner)?” (111)  I feel avenged.  I knew there was a reason why I love to have dessert.  Even though I grew up in a house that preached, “just because you ate dinner doesn’t mean you get dessert,” I still craved something sweet after my evening meal.  I’ve even said the same to my son, but it was more out of guilty feelings that, at the time, we couldn’t afford extravagances like cookies in our grocery budget.  If there’s nothing in the hosue that’s typically “dessert” material, a piece of fresh fruit usually does the trick.  It just need to be sweet-ish.  My goal for dinner is to serve myself a small enough portion so that I can eat most or all of it, while still leaving room for a small, sweet something. 

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Interesting changes Monday, Aug 6 2007

I have noticed an interesting shift in my appetite today.  It’s probably been there for a couple of days and I just didn’t realize it.  I’m hungry for foods that I would normally overlook.  For instance, I just saw a commercial for Daisy brand cottage cheese.  It looked so delicious, and I could imagine having it as part of a meal.  I wasn’t hungry for it, but it looked good.  Normally, cottage cheese and I would never cross paths, but today it sounds like a good addition to dinner!

 Another example:  I stopped for lunch at Subway with my son and his friend.  We each got a mini sub, with mine consisting of turkey breast, Swiss cheese, tomato, pickle and lettuce.  I almost put black olives on it, even.  I have never been a huge fan of Swiss cheese, nor have I ever enjoyed eating my veggies.  But today, I was very hungry when I finally stopped to eat, and I got what looked good to me.  Because I am waiting for hunger instead of eating when the world says it’s time to eat, things that are good for me but that I would have normally avoided, I’m eating and enjoying. 

 The chapter of Weigh Down entitled, “When to Stop When You Are Full” states, “When you are very hungry, God makes the tongue delight in the taste of the food.  As you approach the point that the body is getting enough food (full), God makes your taste buds lose interest in the taste of food, even sweet foods!  The purpose is to help turn off eating behavior.”  (101)  Isn’t it glorious how perfect God made this body of mine?  I didn’t believe that my body actually loses the taste for food when it’s full until I paid attention and noticed it happening.  Even today, with the tomatoes (a vegetable I usually only eat if it’s in ketchup or sauce form) in my sandwich, I noticed that as I approached the end of my meal, I wanted it less and less.  I even picked it out of my last bite.  But the first four or five bites of it were heavenly! 

I am noticing that, as each day passes and I stay faithful to not sinning with food, things are becoming easier and easier.  I have to remind myself that the Weigh Down program is not about following a bunch of rules, but about learning to eat without gluttony for the rest of my life.  To be faithful and obedient to the system that God put into place in my own body – to realize that God does not make anything that is not perfection, including my hunger and full signals.  And to remember that, to take a single step off of the path He provided – eating only when hungry and stopping when full – is a sin. 

“Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”  Matthew 7:14. 

Father, let my heart delight in obedience to you.  Change my heart’s desire from food to knowing You better.  Remind me that Your plan for me is so much better than what I could do for myself.  Praise you, Jesus, for the work You have already begun in me, and that I know You will finish!

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Not full…satisfied Saturday, Aug 4 2007

That is the remains of my dinner tonight.  What you’re seeing is about 2 bites of spaghetti and the end of a piece of garlic bread.  The bowl is small (about 2 cups) and was only half full to begin with.  I sat it down to watch TV for a few minutes and when I looked at it, I just didn’t want it anymore.  I had to do a quick evaluation of myself, because I’m still learning how to do this whole “obey your body” thing.  I wasn’t full.  Not even close.  But I was most definitely done. 

I’ve never really known a time in my life when it was a relief to throw away food when I wasn’t full.  I’ve given it away (and, indeed, I gave the bread to the dog), and I’ve packed it for leftovers, and was quite happy that I wasn’t being wasteful.  But this time…this time the thought of eating more or having it sit around for later repulsed me.  My instinct is to say that this is a proud moment, but really it’s not.  It’s a thankful moment.  Thank You, Jesus, that you are changing my mind, heart, and body to be responsive to the wonderful system you’ve set up in me!

It’s not a huge amount of food to be tossing out, but since I didn’t start out with much in the first place, it’s safe to say that this is easily 1/4 of my dinner.  And I can also safely say that the entire dinner I’d served myself was at least 1/3 of what I’d normally eat.  I would usually have a dinner plate full of spaghetti, about 3 or more cups worth, plus at least two thick slices of garlic bread.  I had about a cup of spaghetti tonight.  And I was satisfied before I was even done. 

You know, it kinda makes me gag, thinking about how much I would have normally eaten.  If I was satisfied tonight with 2/3 cup of spaghetti, yet I usually ate 3 to 4 times that much…gagamaggot.  Plus the bread.  And then dessert… 

Ooh, I just got gag-goosebumps.

Please, dear Father, please keep me from ever eating like that again!

And for the record, I did have dessert tonight – an ice cream sandwich.  It was so delicious, and I was really happy that I didn’t finish my dinner so that I had room for it!  Yay!  And, when I was done with it, I was full.  NOT stuffed, just politely full.

I wanted to be writing about another chapter or two of Weigh Down tonight, but we had major issues in the layout of our office/computer room, so I ended up spending the day rearranging it instead.  And on the sabbath!  Sucky…but necessary.  I wish it could’ve waited until tomorrow, but I had a higher authority demanding that this chore be taken care of while the “menfolk” were around to do the heavy lifting.  And then we found out that one of the desks was coming apart and it had to be repaired…oh, the delays.  Anyway, I’ll probably be able to read more tomorrow.

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Understanding the difference Friday, Aug 3 2007

I’m reading the Weigh Down chapter entitled, “Isn’t Broccoli Righteous and Haagen-Dazs a Sin.”  Gwen states, “Eating only when your body calls for food is what you can depend on to moderate the amount you eat daily.  Eating what your body asks for will ensure a balance of food.  When you have had too much of one category of food, you will naturally desire to eat from another category.” (82-83)

 Out of curiosity, a couple of nights ago I Googled “Weigh Down” to see what the world had to say about this program.  I know that this is what God wants me to be doing, but I was curious to what the world had to say.  For the most part, people are disregarding what the book is actually saying and they are focusing on Mrs. Shamblin’s church group.  There is a lot of criticism out there about her and her ministry.  I don’t know anything about Remanent Fellowship, so I have nothing to say about it.  The few articles I read about the Weigh Down program, though, were frustrating.  They were written, for the most part, by people that 1) do not have a firm belief in God, even though they think they do, 2) did not actually read the book, and 3) are basing their judgement not on the book, but on their personal opinion of the author.

One of the primary objections to the Weigh Down program is that the author seems to advocate diet drinks and promotes eating things like Doritos and Twinkies.  They even use the quote I began this entry with as proof that she is encouraging people to eat a bunch of “junk” food.  This, to me, is proof that they have missed the point and are not actually reading the book, but are probably just skimming. 

There is a difference between what I desire to eat and what my body is telling me I need to eat.  If you don’t understand the difference, then try to understand that there is a difference between head hunger and stomach hunger.  Head hunger is when you want to eat, even though you are not physically hungry.  Your stomach is not growling, yet you feel a desire to eat.  Stomach hunger is just that.  Your stomach is giving you some kind of signal (and there are many of them) that you are physically in need of fuel.  Eating “what your body asks for” falls in line with the idea of stomach hunger.  My body may be asking for a banana, but I choose to eat a Twinkie.  When I do that, I still feel mentally unsatisfied, even though my hunger is gone.  Why?  Because my head wanted the Twinkie, but my body wanted the banana. 

For me, telling the difference between head hunger and stomach hunger is not very difficult.  Defeating head hunger without eating is difficult, but knowing that it’s not stomach hunger is not.  But discerning between head wants and body wants when it comes to choosing what to eat is not so simple. 

My head wanted a huge bowl of Coco Pebbles for breakfast this morning.  I knew that wanting a huge bowl of cereal was head hunger.  I could have cereal, just not a salad bowl-sized serving.  So, I picked out a small bowl, knowing that if it wasn’t enough, I could always go back for more.  However, by the time I finished this debate, got a small bowl and went back to the pantry, I realized that my head was wanting the chocolate cereal, but my body did not.  In fact, when I thought about eating the Coco Pebbles, my stomach did a little flip flop.  But when I looked at the Strawberry Delight Frosted Mini-Wheats, my stomach began grumbling in earnest!  I had to overcome the desire to eat what my head was asking for and give my body the fuel that it needed.  Sometimes, the Coco Pebbles are exactly what I’m looking for, but not this time.

Praise You, Jesus, for putting things in my path that slow me down, giving me time to reconsider my actions.  Without these hurdles, I certainly would be deep in sin over what I’m putting into Your Temple.  I know that without You I will fail.  I want my body to become the Holy Temple that You deserve.  Until now, I have been an abuser of my own body, but with Your strength, I can be reformed.  Thank You for Your steadfast love.  In Jesus’ name, amen!

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Satisfying the hunger Thursday, Aug 2 2007

The reading is going slower than anticipated.  I was so busy yesterday that I didn’t have time to read at all.  I was very disappointed, but things happen sometimes.  I did pray a lot and the eating was never out of control.  God is really keeping me on track and in check.  In fact, a couple of times when I might have overeaten, something happened to interrupt my meal so that by the time I could come back to it, I realized I was no longer hungry and was able to set the food aside until I was hungry again.  PRAISE GOD!

I’m reading the chapter, “Help!  I Feel Hungry All the Time” and came across this:

“After you taste the world and its pleasures, you are empty and you are left in need again.  You become even more out of control and desperate.” (66)

This was my life up until about 3 months ago.  Heck, this was my life about 2 weeks ago!  Last school year, my normal routine was to get up in the morning, get showered and dressed for the day, gather up my stuff, and head out.  My first stop would be to buy breakfast.  McDonald’s was my favorite place to stop, with Whataburger coming in at a close second.  I really loved to get Egg McMuffins and Taquitos.  And then, last spring, Whataburger came out with their Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit, and I thought I’d died and gone to heaven!  I would never get just one sandwich.  I would order a complete meal, plus an extra sandwich.  It was enough food for three people, at least! 

The thing is, when I was ordering and when I was eating, I blanked out a bit.  I truly did not think about the volume of food I was ordering and eating.  It was just my normal thing.  I would have the first sandwich eaten and not even realize I’d eaten anything.  It wasn’t until after I’d finished all of my food that my senses came back to me, so to speak, and I realized what I’d done.  Again.  But by then, it was too late.  My stomach was uncomfortably full, and my desire for that food was satisfied.  I would go to my first class feeling slightly sick and incredibly guilty.  I would never take my drink into class because people would realize that I had stopped and eaten fast food on the way to school.  Even though I was physically full, I was spiritually empty.

I was truly out of control.  I would pray at night for God to give me the strength to resist going out for breakfast.  I figured that if I would just not eat the fast food, things would be okay.  The only problem was that it wasn’t the fast food that was the problem.  It was my love for the food in general.  On the weekends, when I didn’t have an excuse to leave early in the morning to buy breakfast, I would eat at home (of course).  Except I’d have a breakfast of an entire box of L’Eggo waffles.  Or an omlet with four eggs, plus toast and sausage.  The volume of food I was eating for breakfast, even at home, was enough to feed me for the entire day PLUS some! 

In the meantime, my hair was getting thinner and thinner and my skin was breaking out into terrible sores.  I was killing myself.  When I looked in the mirror I saw a woman that was half-dead already.  I was desperate for something to happen.  The funny thing is, I knew what I needed to do.  CH had told me about the Weigh Down program.  She and I were doing it together at one point, and she even bought me the book!  I knew I needed to turn to God, but I was so blinded by the science that I resisted.  I was positive that if I could just get the science right, I’d lose weight.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s true what doctors say – that losing weight is a matter of numbers.  You have to burn more calories than you take in.  But God will not allow science to take the credit for something HE has done.  He’s going to make sure that when people look at me and see that I’ve lost weight, they’re going to see His glory.  If it had just been a matter of me counting calories, not only would I have become a slave to food labels, but I would have given the glory to the science and not the Maker of Science.

Okay.  That being said, there needs to be some way that I’m tracking what God is doing.  I don’t use scales because I tend to become so obsessed with weighing myself that I lose sight of God.  This whole process is less about weight loss and more about spiritual growth.  Focusing on the numbers the scale gives me will only serve to 1) pull my attention away from the One who controls those numbers and 2) make me anxious and stressed.  Instead, I’m going to use measurements to keep track.  Here we go.

*All measurements are in inches and were taken while unclothed, except for underwear.

Chest:  49.5

Bust:  58

Waist:  50

Hips:  59

Upper Arms

     Right:  19

     Left:  19

Lower Arms

     Right:  12

     Left:  12

Thighs

     Right:  25.5

     Left:  26

Calves

     Right:  20

     Left:  21

I do not intend to do weekly measurements, because it just makes me crazy.  Every time I check on my progress, I expect to see a substantial change.  If I do weekly checks, the changes I note will be far too gradual for me to be patient with.  I’m considering every other week, but it will most likely be closer to monthly.  Once school starts, I kinda hope that I just lose track of the numbers and focus mostly on God and how He wants me to eat.  I’ll certainly be busy enough!

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