So Much To Say; So Little Time Sunday, Sep 30 2007

I’ve spent the past two hours archiving my old journal entries from MySpace.  I’ve deleted all of those entries and copied them to my hard drive.  Then I had to go through each entry and format it so that I’m getting the maximum amount of text on each page.  While doing this, I realized that I’d been keeping my journal over there for much longer than nine months.  I moved there in January 2006, so that’s a year and nine months.  Where does the time go?

What did I learn by going through this clean-up process?  I write a lot.  A LOT.  Now I understand why I don’t panic when I have a 5 page paper that I have to write for class.  Five pages are nothing when you regularly crank out 2-3 pages of journal per DAY.  Of course, journal writing is nothing like essay writing because I don’t have to be as careful here about my grammar and spelling and punctuation.  I don’t think those things ever really get out of hand for me, because I’d have an irrepressible urge to fix the problems I see.  I do know that some things sneak past me, and that’s okay.  It’s not okay when I write a formal paper, though. 

It’s been a pretty peaceful weekend.  I didn’t have anything to do in the way of homework, and all of my tests are over for at least two weeks.  Last week, though, was as stressful as a finals week at junior college.  Just to reassure myself that things are going to get better, I paged through my student planner to see if I’ll ever have a week ‘o tests again.  I don’t.  Not until finals week.  Finals week is a little different, though, because you don’t have on-going assignments at the same time.  So, yes it may be stressful, but hopefully not as stressful as last week.

I just realized that when I got thirsty about an hour ago and grabbed a Coke to drink, I was making a mistake.  The caffeine is going to keep me up all night.  There’s nothing I can do about it now, though.

Speaking of drinks, I’ve done really, really well on eating today.  My volume goes up and down, depending on how much I physically did the day before and how much I’m paying attention to what I’m putting into my mouth.  Today, I had lunch with an old friend and his soon-to-be fiancee.  We went to an Italian seafood restaurant that we’ve all been to before and loved.  I had a small bit of salad – just 2-3 bites worth, really; 2 bites of bread; and slightly more than half of the dinner I ordered.  My meal consisted of a piece of lasagna measuring about 2×3 inches around, and penne pasta with alfredo sauce.  I ate less than half of the penne pasta and, oh, about 3/4 of the lasagna.  Since we met for lunch, I decided to skip breakfast – in fact, I didn’t even have my morning coffee!  I wanted to be able to have a really nice lunch with my friend at this restaurant that I enjoy eating at yet rarely have an opportunity to go to, so I ignored my hunger this morning.  I got hungry for a little snack around 4pm, and had a few pieces of candy corn and a regular Coke.  I hardly ever drink regular sodas, but it sounded good to me, so I grabbed one.  I still haven’t finished the Coke, and it’s over 2 hours later!  At this point, I doubt that I’ll be hungry again today, so the meal I had at the restaurant will be the bulk of my food consumption for the entire day!

To be perfectly honest, this is better than I normally do.  My eating hasn’t been out of control, like it was in the past, but I know that I can reduce the volume that I’m eating even more than I have.  And I know there have been a lot of days in the past month when I may have started with a small portion, but I went back for seconds when I wasn’t hungry anymore.  There is a difference between now and then, though.  Even though I’m still struggling with my food volume, I can honestly say that I have not, one single time, in the past month, eaten until I was stuffed.  Occasionally, I’ll be pleasantly satisfied, leaning towards full, but never stuffed.  So, even though my instinct as a perfectionist is to say I’m a dismal failure, I have to make myself remember that relearning how to eat properly is a process.  This past month has been a success! 

You know, I was thinking about how easy it was to not overeat at the restaurant.  It was so natural, like I’ve been doing it my whole life!  I think that a big reason why is because I was sitting at a table full of “skinny eaters”.  People that don’t think twice about throwing out food when they’re satisfied.  People that have never put food before God or made it more important than it needs to be.  People who have never considered food as a friend.  I didn’t feel weird by setting my fork down and pushing my plate away when I realized I was satisfied.  I didn’t have anyone at the table question why I wasn’t eating the rest of my food.  I was completely at ease and was able to relax and enjoy the time I was spending with my friend.  What a blessing!

Okay, talking about this past month has made me remember that it’s almost next month!  Tomorrow is the first, and it’s time for me to measure again.

**All measurements are in inches.  Discrepancies are explained below.

		8/2/07		9/1/07		9/30/07
Chest		49.5		48.5		44
Bust		58		57		56
Waist		50		50		49
Hips		59		59		58
Upper Arms:
Left	Right	19	19	16	15.5	15.5	15
Lower Arms:
Left	Right	12	12	12.5	11.5	12	11.5
Thighs:
Left	Right	26	25.5	24	25	24.5	25
Calves:
Left	Right	20	20	20	20.5	19.5	20.5

Discrepancies.  In August, to measure my chest size, I measured around my chest, underneath my armpits (above my breasts).  But last month, I measured around my ribcage (under my breasts).  This month, to stay consistent, I measured around the ribcage again.  Just to see how much of a difference it makes, I measured under my armpits also, and I’m a half-inch larger that way.  So, last month, I should have been at 49 inches for that measurement.  I’ll keep it around the ribcage from now on because it’s an easier measurement to take.

I also realized that the place I originally measured my upper arms must have been much closer to my armpit, because I just don’t see how I could have lost 3+ inches there and nowhere else.  So, last month I paid attention to how many inches above my elbow I’m measuring my upper arms and kept it there for this month as well.

Those two places seem to be the most inconsistent in how I was measuring, but as I progress, I’ll get used to it and things will settle down. 

The fact that I’m not really losing any inches in my waist, hips or legs is telling.  I really can reduce how much I’m eating more than I already have.  This is part of the process, though.  Even in the book, The Weigh Down Diet, Gwen Shamblin tells us that if you’re not sure whether or not you’re eating properly, check the scale.  In my case, I just need to check my measurements.  If those numbers are not going down, I need to adjust how I’m eating again.  So, that’s what I’m going to do.  Obviously, I’m on the right track, because I am losing weight in places.  There’s no way I can lose 4 inches in my chest by doing nothing, right?  And my bust measurement is consistently going down, too.  So, I’m on the right track, but I can do better.

That’s what this is all about!

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Things Not Learned in a Classroom This Week Saturday, Sep 29 2007

I’m still not feeling well.  I feel slightly better than yesterday, but as the day wears on, I feel progressively worse and worse.  I figure that it’s because I’m running low on energy because my body is trying to get well, so I’m tiring out earlier in the evening than I realize.  

I hate being sick, yet I seem to come down with something every semester.  And it’s always when I’ve let the stress get to me.  You’d think I would learn my lesson.

I do need to talk about a shift in my schedule that I’ve had to make recently.  When school started, I committed myself to reading a Bible study at school for one hour (at least) a day.  I have five to six hour breaks between my classes, so I should (theoretically) have plenty of time to get homework done plus spend a little time in The Word.  The only problem was that it was overwhelming me.  I would read the next chapter of the Romans study I’m in right now and not remember a word I’d read.  I would have trouble focusing on the reading, sometimes taking the entire hour just to read the scripture passage, and never getting to the study text.  This should have been a clue, right? 

So, this past week, I didn’t do the Bible study at school at all.  It didn’t start out on purpose.  It was Wednesday before I realized that I hadn’t pulled out my Bible study all week!  My immediate, kneejerk reaction was to feel guilty about it.  Until I remembered that Jesus said that his burden is light, not overwhelming.  There were quite a few things this week that I was reminded of – this was just the first.

• I was reminded that I did not create the opportunity for me to go to college myself.  It was God.
• I was reminded that I didn’t make it through junior college and to university all by myself.  It was God.
• I was reminded that the degree I’m majoring in is not the field I would have chosen myself.  It was God.
• I was reminded that every moment I’m in school, studying for school, or doing homework is not for me.  It’s for God.

These reminders are not in any way an excuse for not reading the Bible or learning more about God.  It’s my duty as a follower of Yeshua to seek Him always.  I just had to be reminded that studying the Bible is but one way I seek Him.  Even though I didn’t spend time reading my Bible study, I did spend more time than usual in prayer and just talking to God.  I took time to really look for Him in each of my classes.  To lean into Him for each of my tests this week. 

Studying His Word should never be overwhelming to the point that I’m paralyzed.  Yet that’s what I made it.  If you never thought it was possible for Bible study to be an idol in your life, think again.  Anything that comes between you and God is an idol – including studying the Bible.  And that’s what I did. 

I had to be reminded that I am in school to fulfill His purposes, not mine.  The classes I’m taking and the field that I’m majoring in are a result of years of prayer about it.  I am doing God’s work when I do homework.  Amazing, isn’t it?

In lieu of daily, forced Bible study, I have been tuning into that small voice and those gentle hints that we get from the Holy Spirit.  On those nights when I couldn’t seem to fall asleep, I got up and read my Bible until I began to feel sleepy.  And today, during Sabbath, I spent time studying the Bible and praying over what I had read.  I have to realize that I’m not being a better child of God by doing the most Bible studies.  I’m not going to get into heaven any faster by forcing myself to a daily regimen of study that God has not asked of me.  In fact, by over-scheduling myself this way, I was effectively pushing God out of the picture.  I was saying to God, “Either fit into my schedule or get out, because I don’t have time for You otherwise.”  I’m not supposed to expect God to conform to my schedule!  I’m supposed to be obedient and be ready to jump when He says jump!

What I discovered, by pushing aside the Bible study, was that I actually spent more time with God, seeking His guidance and looking for Him in whatever I was doing.  And, because I choose to obey His commandments and honor His Sabbath, I still had time in the week to get into His Word and learn more about Him.  It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we walk in obedience!

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Where am I again? Friday, Sep 28 2007

Sorry I’ve been absent for the past week.  School, tests, and an encroaching cold have kept me away.  The cold, actually, is still working it’s magic on my head, so I may be away for a while longer.  Maybe not. 

 Until I can think clearly enough to compose a proper entry, let me just encourage anyone reading to stay strong. God is with you, He has not forsaken you, His truth is there for you if you would just look for it.  Nothing is impossible with God, but He is rarely what we think He is. 

 I have fuller thoughts on all of the above sentiment, but not enough coherence to put it into the blogosphere.  Bear with.  We should be returning to our regularly scheduled programming shortly.

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Nine Months Was About All I Could Take Saturday, Sep 22 2007

I made an announcement over on my “regular” blog (MySpace) that I was done blogging there and was moving here.  I hate having more than one place to write and keep up with, and it just didn’t seem honest to keep my life in two separate places.  I’m keeping the profile, just shutting down the blog.

So, for those who read this journal, there are going to be some minor changes in the content of the entries.  Instead of being solely focused on Weigh Down and the Bible, I’ll be updating about my life regularly.  Of course, because I’ve so tightly integrated the Weigh Down principles and studying the Bible into my life, I doubt there will be a lack of this kind of material.  There’ll just be more “other stuff” on top of the regular. 

You’re welcome.

So, today is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  I am not observing the festivals yet, but I’m also not celebrating the pagan holidays anymore, either.  So, I’m not totally there yet.  Every time I look at the commanded festivals and what is required during those times, I just get completely and totally overwhelmed.  I just don’t have enough space in my brain to deal with them, plus school, plus the Bible studying I’m already doing!  I keep thinking that I should feel guilty about this, but I just don’t.  There is only so much I can do within the circumstances that I live in.  In fact, as much as I’ve turned my back on the pagan holidays, I suspect that, come December, I’m going to have to participate – even if it’s minimal.  I live with my parents.  They have not made the choices I’ve made.  I will not disrespect them in their own house!  I just need to make sure that, in my own mind, I’m remembering the REAL festival that I should be celebrating.

 Anyway, happy Yom Kippur(?)!  Or should it be merry Yom Kippur?  Either way, you get my point.

In other news, I have not done a thing for school yet this weekend.  This is not good because I have a calculus 3 test and a modern algebra test on Monday.  I need to study for the calculus test, at the very least.  And, both classes allow us to bring in one sheet of paper with formulas on them, so I need to spend some time going over the material figuring out which formulas I’ll need.  And then, on Thursday, I have a probability test.  This is the one that I’m a little worried about.  I just don’t understand the material.  I want to work on it tomorrow, but I’m beginning to think that I won’t have time.  So far, I’m refusing to let my brain think about it too much, because that’s too much like working for me.  Once the sun sets, I’ll be able to turn my attention to the new week and the work involved in getting through it.

Since Saturday is my official Sabbath (actually, Friday night to Saturday night), I’m finding it difficult to get my routine changed.  Normally, I’d spend Monday through Thursday in school, diligently working.  Then, Friday I would take as my “day off,” and spend Saturday and Sunday getting homework for the next week done.  That has changed.  I can work Friday, but only until sundown, and I can’t work on Saturday until the evening.  So, I end up working on a day I’m used to taking off, and taking off a day that I’m used to working!  I find that, even though it’s sometimes difficult adujusting to this new schedule, I look forward to it.  Even though I woud plan for every Friday to be my day “off,” I would sometimes end up doing at least an hour or two of school work – giving me no true day off.  But now, no matter what happens, I do not do schoolwork from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday – the way God intended.  I really look forward to having that day off!  (Now, if I could just get my butt in gear and get some work done on Friday before sundown!)

The other issue I’m having with changing my Sabbath back to the correct day is that of cooking.  Normally, I’m chief cook and bottle-washer around here.  When I moved back to my parent’s house so that I could go to school, the agreement was that since I was “just” going to school, I would be the one responsible for getting dinner cooked for the rest of the family who “worked”.  However, this semester, for the first time since returning to school, I have a night class every night.  I never get home before 7:30pm.  It’s a bit difficult to get dinner on the table when you get home so late.  That leaves the rest of the adults in the house responsible for finding something for dinner, but it’s usually my mother that does the job.  But, because she works, she usually ends up cooking something that’s quick and easy.  Frozen lasagna and garlic bread.  Breaded fish and french fries that can all be tossed into the oven.  Things like that.  I did make a deal with my parents about dinner, though, and I still feel that responsibility for making sure I cook dinner on days that I don’t have school.  This includes Friday and Saturday.  There’s not time during the week for me to prepare for the weekend, either.  So, I end up cooking on Sabbath, even though it’s definitely defined as work.  I’ve been praying a lot about this, because I just feel torn between my responsibility to my parents and the agreement I have with them, and the commandment God has given me. 

Really, Friday isn’t a big deal, because I usually get dinner ready before sundown.  It’s Saturday that’s been the problem.  I know that I should plan on cooking a really big meal on Friday so that we can have leftovers on Saturday, but so far, I either haven’t thought about it, had the time, or had the ingredients for a meal like that.  The biggest issue being the first excuse (not thinking about it ahead of time), of course.  Last week, we had leftovers from the weekday meals, and this week Mom is cooking a huge dinner, so God has a hand in helping me adjust.  I know He does.  But, I have a responsibility to make sure I’m prepared, and I feel a need to better uphold that responsibility. 

Well, it’s getting late and I haven’t read any of Weigh Down yet.  I’m missing it, so obviously I need to read another chapter.  Hopefully I’ll have time to update on what I read tomorrow.

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Busy week, busy weekend Friday, Sep 21 2007

My school week may be over, but my work has just begun.  After last weekend’s issues, I’m still behind on my school work.  In a way, though, I’ve been given a bit of a break because all of my math classes have tests next week.  Having a test means no extra homework (usually).  So, all I really need to do today and Sunday is study, study, study.  I’m so excited I almost can’t contain myself.  Really.

 I’m still taking time every day to read another chapter of the Bible study on Romans I’ve been reading.  I’m finding that I’m getting restless with it, though.  If I try to read more than a chapter’s worth at one sitting, I completely lose focus and won’t remember what I’ve read.  So, I’m limiting myself to just one chapter a day (and sometimes I can’t even get through that), which doesn’t take very long to do.  So, I need something else to study.  And this is where the trouble comes in.  I am committed to spending an hour a day in the study of God’s word.  It’s a committment I promised before school started, and it’s a committment that I intend to keep.  But if I’m losing focus on the area I’m studying, I obviously need to change gears.  But there’s so much out there that I want to know, that I’m having a hard time deciding what to focus on. 

Let’s see…I want to know more about the Old Testament festivals and the Sabbath, of course.  I also want to learn more about the Commandments and which ones are pertinent to us right now and which ones aren’t.  I would REALLY like to start on the study of Revelation that I downloaded from www.yashanet.com, but I would feel like I was “cheating” if I started on it before I finished Romans.  There’s historical information I would like to learn about the Hebrew people and the first century church.  I’ve even found a section of my university’s library that consists solely of books about Jews and Hebrews and Judaism and pretty much everything you ever wanted to know about the people, the faith, and the history.  So much, in fact, that the thought of choosing one or two books to start reading is overwhelming.  So, I just don’t know where to start.

I would really love to find a book that is like a daily reading type thing that, for every day of the year, there’s a short lesson on adhering to the “old ways” with a scripture for support and a short discussion of the scripture.  That way, I’d be getting Bible study in with learning about the culture I’m trying to adopt.  I think I have some internet research I need to do.

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Like a wave tossed in the ocean Monday, Sep 17 2007

I feel like a yo-yo.  Yesterday I felt lethargic and hopeless, and today I feel pretty good.  I’m a little concerned about being behind on schoolwork (that’s what I get for taking the weekend off), but other than that, I feel pretty much back to normal.

I don’t know if that little bout of depression was food-induced, or stress-induced, or just God’s way of saying that I needed to take some additional time off to be with Him.

If it was that last one, it worked.  God?  Could you maybe try a different approach next time?  I really don’t like feeling near-suicidal over life in general.

Of course, it could have just been a spiritual attack that I actually responded appropriately to.  Instead of getting mad at God for letting me get into such a foul mood, I pressed into Him and sought His guidance on what could be wrong, or what I needed to do to change things.

It’s too easy to forget to stay faithful and obedient when the going gets tough.  It’s also too easy to blame God for every bad thing that happens to you.  But sometimes, you’re the cause of your own bad experience, and other times it’s an attack by the Enemy.  Either way, it’s a good excuse to get ever closer to God.  It’s when things are down for us that He can really shine through and you can learn so much about the character of this Great Being that we serve.

So, yesterday, I was on my knees (proverbially) begging for His forgiveness for whatever I may be doing wrong and pleading for insight on what I needed to be doing to improve my mental state.  Through it all, I praised him for each new breath I took, because sometimes I just didn’t have the energy to take another one.  Yet I did.  Through all four days (Thursday through Sunday), I maintained obedience in what I ate, how much and when.  In fact, I was too tired to eat most of the time, so not eating was easy for a change!  I continued to read the Bible study I’m working on.  I would pick up the Bible I have in the bathroom when I’d retreat there to weep yet again, and just find a random page to read.  Even if I found no comfort, I did find distraction and I was spending time with God instead of staying self-centered.  I praised God for my loving and understanding family.  They all knew something was wrong, but they also knew that bugging me about it would just make it worse.  They gave me the space that I needed to work through whatever it was that was wrong.  And I really, really praised God for my husband.  The touch on the shoulder, the kiss on the neck, the hug from behind when I was fixing a dinner I had no desire to eat.  The willingness to listen when I would try to talk my way through what was wrong (with no result).  All these things, and more, reconfirm just how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Today, I actually had the physical sensation of the weight being lifted.  It was while I was walking through the school parking lot into the building to my first class this morning.  As I was pulling my things from my car, I kept feeling a cool, gentle breeze.  It was wonderful!  And, considering that it was nearly 90 degrees outside when I got to school, it was totally out of place (hence the reason I noticed it).  I love fall weather, and that breeze reminded me that the season is not far away.  It made me truly happy to think that the unbearable heat would soon be over for a few, blessed months.  As I slowly began to walk toward the building, each step felt lighter and lighter.  And that glad feeling never left.  Even my mother commented tonight that I must be feeling better because my “smartass gene has kicked back in.”  LOL!  She’s SO right!  I can be a bit of a smartass.  It’s because I can usually find some kind of levity and/or humor in whatever situation I’m in.  And that’s what made this past weekend even harder to deal with.

Regardless of what may or may not have been going on, I’m glad it’s over.

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Why now? Sunday, Sep 16 2007

I sit at my computer today printing page after page after page of Bible study on Revelation.  I’m not ready to start it, but I wanted to get the printing out of the way so that I know the study is there for me when I am ready for it. 

It’s funny.  My black ink cartridge told me over 150 pages ago that it was empty.  Still going.

In an effort to save a tree, I’ve been printing two-sided.  It saves me money in the process, so it’s win-win.  My printer won’t automatically printed two-sided, so I’ve been manually putting in first the odd pages, then flipping the whole mess over and manually printing the even pages.  What a pain.  But well worth it for an 80 page document to only use 40 sheets of paper.  Then, today, I saw a little drop-down menu on the printer dialogue box that I’d never paid attention to before.  I clicked on the arrow and saw the following options, 1) “Print all pages in range,” 2) “Print odd pages,” 3) “Print even pages.”  Well, damn. 

 And, I spoke too soon.  Four pages before the end of this latest document and the black ink craps out on me.  But, lucky me, you can still make out what the words are.  Just.  No need for re-printing.  And, for the record, my “empty” ink cartridge printed over 200 pages.  How nice.

I have been in a terrible funk for the past 3 or 4 days.  I was weepy and all I wanted to do was sleep on Friday.  I have not touched my schoolwork since Thursday, and that’s going to be a big problem this week because I have a calculus test on Wednesday. 

I went to bed around 7:30pm Friday night.  I just couldn’t stand the thought of being awake for a moment longer.  I slept fitfully for 13 hours and when I woke up Saturday morning, I felt slightly better.  My son played at a friends house for the majority of the day, and while he was gone my husband and I took the opportunity to spend some time in retail therapy together.  We had some things that we’ve needed to buy for a few weeks and once that was done, we just wandered around town window shopping.  We even went to lunch at a real restaurant.  I felt slightly better, but I could tell that all was still not okay.  When I got up this morning, I could tell that I was almost, but not quite, back to where I was Friday night. 

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I can be prone to small bouts of depression that will last a few hours, at most, but this is bordering on ridiculous for me.  I simply cannot seem to dredge up the smallest amount of enthusiasm, excitement, or even concern about school.  The passion has disappeared.  I have been doing a lot of praying, because sometimes when the wind dies from your sails like this, it means that you’re on the wrong path.  But I keep getting confirmation after confirmation that I’m still in God’s will.  So, I know that I need to persevere, but I’m not sure how.

I remember getting like this (to a point) when I was working at my old job.  I knew that I needed to stay there for a while longer.  God wanted me to and my family needed me to.  But I could drag myself to work, do the job, and go home.  School takes a little more personal effort.  I can’t just go up there, do the minimal asked of me, come home and forget about it.  It requires that I put forth an effort while in class and staying attentive to the lecture and keeping on task between classes to get homework done.  And then, the worst part is, I still have to keep on task when I get home. 

I just don’t know.

On Friday, I kept saying to God, “If just one person would tell me, ‘You can do it! Don’t quit!’ then I’ll know I need to keep going.  But I never heard those words.  I did keep seeing messages around me that said things like, “Study God,” and “School for God,” and even, “Do homework for God,” so I know He’s talking to me.  I don’t know why I feel so hopeless right now!

It really doesn’t help that I’ve had a headache for going on 4 days.  Somehow I feel the two events are related.

I think that I’m starting to hate my field of study.  I chose to get a degree in math, and I feel like I’ve taken so many math classes over the past three years that I just have a hard time looking forward to three more years of the same.  Actually, it’s more like two more years of hard, intensive work in math and a third year of student teaching.  Even worse, the “teaching” classes I’ve taken have been pointless and repetitive.  I’m not learning how to manage a classroom or how to teach my subject or how to pace the course or even how to structure my gradebook!  They want me to know how to make every culture in my classroom pertinent and important – and I agree there’s merit in that, but not at the expense of actual teaching!

Instead of teaching me how to be a good teacher, the state of Texas wants to make sure I’m a good mathematician.  I understand that I need to understand how to do the math that I’ll be teaching, but to require me to go so far in excess of the level at which I’ll be teaching is ridiculous.  When I was taking Calculus II last semester and walking away from the majority of classes in tears because I just didn’t understand, I kept saying to myself that the logic of requiring this class of me would reveal itself.  But it never did.  And now that I’m in Calculus III and Probability, and I’m looking at Differential Equations for next semester, I question the logic even more.  There’s got to be a better definition of “highly qualified teacher” out there! 

Oh, it just makes my head hurt even more.  And now I have heartburn on top of it.

You see?  I AM worried about school.  Maybe I’m just so worried that I’m paralyzed in being able to accomplish anything.  Is it possible?

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This, too, shall pass Monday, Sep 10 2007

I had a moment yesterday.  A moment, a long moment, actually, where I totally and completely forgot that food was a necessary ingredient for staying alive. 

I. Actually. Forgot. To. Eat.

This, my dear friends is a complete breakthrough.  Unfortunately, when I finally “remembered” that I needed to eat, it was after 10pm and I was feeling incredibly sick.  And that’s when it happened.  My mom, with the best of intentions, opened up in a tirade about how I’m starving myself and how there’s no way this kind of eating could be good for me.  I agreed with her.  “You’re right.  The way I ignored my body today is totally bad for me and I shouldn’t have done it.”  I tried to point out to her that I’ve never done this before and that, for all intents and purposes, this was a cause for celebration (but not until I’d had something to eat), but she wan’t going to hear it.  “If you’re going to insist on eating less than an infant, you need to make sure you’re eating more frequently.”  No, I don’t think so.

Yes, I am eating a very small amount of food every day.  But I rarely get hungry to the point that I am even shaking.  Once I feel real, true hunger, I make a point to eat within an hour of that feeling.  Yesterday, though, I was very busy and simply forgot that my body had asked for food hours before.  I went over 12 hours without eating, and for me to do that without sleeping for the greatest portion of it is just amazing.  No, it wasn’t a pleasant experience.  It was a reminder that this system God put in me is perfect and that to be obedient to that system is to be obedient to Him.  However, the fact that I could forget about it and not obsess over when I was going to get my next meal and what it would include is truly a mental breakthrough for me.  So, in the same breath that I’m praising God for this healing, I’m repenting for ignoring His signals to eat!  Never in a million years did I think that this could happen for me. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I’m also catching some flack from The Mother over the changes I’m making in my personal doctrine.  In this area, though, there’s nothing specific I can point to for why I feel this way.  I know she doesn’t agree with me on most of the points I bring up to her.  I don’t expect her to, nor to I browbeat her with everything I’ve learned in the past couple of months.  Sometimes, I read something that moves me to share, but it’s usually historical information on the first century “church.” 

Like I said, there’s nothing that’s really specific for my feelings that she disapproves, but there are small hints.  For example, she was watching Rod Parsley (a televangelist) yesterday and I made a comment about his preaching tactics.  He does that typical, over-the-top, Hellfire and Brimstone approach that, honestly, has always turned me off.  It’s God, you weirdo, not GAH-Wahd!  And is it really necessary to yell at random intervals in the middle of your sentences?  Do you think I’m deaf, or just stupid?  I don’t know.  I’ve just never liked that kind of preaching.  The God I know is a God of “sound minds,” not a God of out of control, overly emotional hysterics.  Anyway, I said something along the lines of, “Goodness Mr. Parsley!  Is it necessary to yell like that?”  I was talking to the television, you know.  When I said that, Mom got pretty defensive.  “SOME of us were RAISED in churches like that!  There was a time when this was the NORMAL way to PREACH!  There’s nothing wrong with being ENTHUSIASTIC about speaking GOD’s WORD!  You shouldn’t get OFFENDED just because it’s something you’re not USED TO!” 

I listened and agreed that, no, it doesn’t make sense to take offense over something just because you’re not accustomed to it.  I just don’t like people screaming random words at me for no good reason.  I don’t like any commercial with Billy Mays in it, either (the guy that does the OxyClean commercials, among others).  I will change the channel when I see his hairy mug.  I also boycott any products he peddles, just on principle.  I change the channel when a car commercial comes on that’s screaming, too.  As with small children, I just don’t think that yelling and screaming (and crawling on the pulpit floor, Mr. Parsley) is an effective way to communicate.  If you like it, more power to ya. 

So, after that, for the rest of the day, I kept hearing little comments about people who “over-intellectualize” their religion.  Spiritual vs. emotional.  Law vs. grace.  That kind of thing.

The funny thing is, Mom doesn’t usually get so overwrought about things like this.  She’s a pretty even-keeled person, herself.  I do take after her, after all, and she hates Billy Mays as much as I do.  Maybe she was just having a moment.  Who knows?  Benefit of the doubt, right?

Anyway, for all the stuff I got done yesterday, there were some pretty tense moments.  I don’t like tension in the house between the adults.  It’s hard enough for all of us to live together.  I don’t want to be the cause of a problem. 

And just for the record, Mom seems just fine today.  I haven’t said anything about yesterday and neither has she.  If she can act like nothing ever happened, I’ll be glad to play along.

 Also for the record, consumed today:

-3/4 cup of coffee with cream and suger (threw the rest out!!)

-1/2 an egg & potato taquito from Whataburger (threw the rest away!!)

-1 turkey sandwich, eaten 1/2 at a time with several hours between halves

-2 sticks of string cheese

-4 Brach’s “Mellow pumpkins”

-most of 1 bag (100 cal. pack for quantity control) of baked cheetos (YUM!)

-most of 1 bag (90 cal. pack for quantity control) of mini cheddar cheese rice cakes

-1 ten-ounce bottle of juice

-1 diet cherry-vanilla Dr. Pepper

-LOTS of water

Again, for the record, the 100- and 90-calorie packs are not chosen because of the caloric values of them.  I really like the mini flavored rice cakes and I prefer baked cheetos over the regular kind (baked are crunchier).  The “100-cal” packs that food manufacturers are putting on the shelves these days are a good option for me because the food in them is the regular food you get in the big bags, but they’re portioned smaller to keep them at around 100 calories or so.  I guess that 100 calories of chips or cookies is about what my body wants, though, because when I’m hungry and craving a snack, one of these little bags is just about right!

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Why I Will Never Be A “Foodie” Saturday, Sep 8 2007

So, I’m reading the next chapter of Weigh Down, “The Desert of Testing.”  On page 145, the author states, “Statistics show us that people in developed countries are getting larger and larger and more and more passionate for their food.”  At this point in the book, she is talking about what we are passionate about.  The things we spend our emotional energies on.  So many people think that they can’t have an emotional, energetic relationship with God because they just don’t have anything left over to give.  They’re burned out.  But the truth is, if you would give your passions and energies to God first, He will give that energy back to you, plus some. 

This whole idea of being passionate about food, though, really made me think.  I’ve done a few research papers about the history of food in America.  It’s not pretty.  Possibly the worst era to be eating in America was during the 50s, when everything was heavy, colorless, and tasteless.  The advent of TV dinners didn’t help things at all.  Slowly, through the efforts of people like Julia Child, Americans started rediscovering the art of food preparation.  Today, we have “junior gourmets” out there that are extremely picky about the quality of the food they buy.  Further, they are interested in innovative ways to prepare food.  This movement has gained more and more converts as the years have passed until we even have an entire cable channel dedicated to it!  And, yet, that doesn’t seem to be enough.  We can watch food preparation 24 hours a day on The Food Network, but many of the other “home” channels host a variety of cooking shows as well.  Just take a look at the program line-up for Discovery Home and PBS, or check out what the daytime talk shows are doing.  Having guests that cook is very common.  So, it’s safe to say that Americans are increasingly passionate about food. 

Should this be a surprise?  Not really.  All you need to do is listen to the statistics that the United States is the fattest country in the world.  Or, even easier, take a look on the streets.  The majority of us are carrying substantial extra pounds.  We’ve even had the sizes of our clothes adjusted so that we don’t feel so bad about being fatter.  America is demonstrating who her god is.  We are proudly proclaiming to the world what is important to us.  WE LOVE FOOD!  WE LOVE TO EAT!  COME TO AMERICA AND FEED US!  COOK IT AND WE WILL COME! 

I don’t want my god to be food anymore.  I want food to be a tool I use every day.  I only want it to serve the purpose of giving my body fuel so that I can continue serving the true God.  I want those “foodies” out there to sneer at my lack of concern over what I eat.  I don’t care how “gourmet” or “organic” it is.  Am I hungry?  Is my body asking for it?  Does it taste okay?  These are my only requirements for the food I eat.  I want my passions to be entirely reserved for serving, worshiping, and obeying my God!

As stated on page 147, “Extra food turns out to be a false friend and a parasitic leech that robs us of our time, passion, money, devotion, peace, and self-esteem.  It is a false master, a false friend, or a false god that leaves us with increasing troubles, guilt, emotional deprivation, and physical ailments.”  Why am I wasting my time on this back-stabbing “friend”?!?  It’s time to cut my ties.

I want to take things even further.  I don’t want to just be passionate about serving and obeying God, I want to be in love with Him.  I want my heart to race and my temperature to rise when I know I’m going to be spending time with Him.  I want my thoughts to continually turn to Him.  I know the master I choose to love is the one that I will obey.  But to really be in love with Him, I know that I have to obey Him.  It works both ways.

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Interesting thought Friday, Sep 7 2007

I’m reading about being “under the Law” of Moses in a Bible study on Romans.  A point was made that really made me realize just how wrong our interpretations of scripture are today.  Specifically, the study was discussing the idea of the Law being a curse and that when Messiah came, the curse ended – therefore, believers in Yeshua no longer are “under the curse of the law.”  But is this a correct understanding of this scripture?  I don’t believe so.

The Torah, or the Law (actually, “instruction” would be more accurate), is dual in nature.  In Deuteronomy 30:15-17, God speaks of the dual nature of the Torah: “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgements, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess.  But if your hearts turn away so that you do not hear, you shall surely perish…”  (emphasis mine).

There are several other places in the Bible that point out the dual nature of the instructions God has given us.  What I’m getting from them - and this helps to reconcile the “contradiction” of Paul’s writings - is that prior to coming to Messiah, the Torah’s role is that of a guardian, tutor, or “one who escorts you”.  Before belief, the Torah is a curse – as it should be, since it is pointing out to you the things you are doing wrong!  Once a person comes to a belief in the One God and Messiah, Yeshua, the Torah becomes a revelation of how we are to live for Him. 

So, to simplify: Before God, Torah is death and evil because it shines a light on the sins you are committing.  After God, Torah is life and good because it shines a light on the path that God wants you to walk.

It makes perfect sense to me and it resolves any conflict I may have misinterpreted in Paul’s teachings.  Yes, he calls the Torah a curse – it is a curse to those who are not believers.  While at the same time, it is “holy, just, and good” for those who believe and follow it.

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