I sit at my computer today printing page after page after page of Bible study on Revelation.  I’m not ready to start it, but I wanted to get the printing out of the way so that I know the study is there for me when I am ready for it. 

It’s funny.  My black ink cartridge told me over 150 pages ago that it was empty.  Still going.

In an effort to save a tree, I’ve been printing two-sided.  It saves me money in the process, so it’s win-win.  My printer won’t automatically printed two-sided, so I’ve been manually putting in first the odd pages, then flipping the whole mess over and manually printing the even pages.  What a pain.  But well worth it for an 80 page document to only use 40 sheets of paper.  Then, today, I saw a little drop-down menu on the printer dialogue box that I’d never paid attention to before.  I clicked on the arrow and saw the following options, 1) “Print all pages in range,” 2) “Print odd pages,” 3) “Print even pages.”  Well, damn. 

 And, I spoke too soon.  Four pages before the end of this latest document and the black ink craps out on me.  But, lucky me, you can still make out what the words are.  Just.  No need for re-printing.  And, for the record, my “empty” ink cartridge printed over 200 pages.  How nice.

I have been in a terrible funk for the past 3 or 4 days.  I was weepy and all I wanted to do was sleep on Friday.  I have not touched my schoolwork since Thursday, and that’s going to be a big problem this week because I have a calculus test on Wednesday. 

I went to bed around 7:30pm Friday night.  I just couldn’t stand the thought of being awake for a moment longer.  I slept fitfully for 13 hours and when I woke up Saturday morning, I felt slightly better.  My son played at a friends house for the majority of the day, and while he was gone my husband and I took the opportunity to spend some time in retail therapy together.  We had some things that we’ve needed to buy for a few weeks and once that was done, we just wandered around town window shopping.  We even went to lunch at a real restaurant.  I felt slightly better, but I could tell that all was still not okay.  When I got up this morning, I could tell that I was almost, but not quite, back to where I was Friday night. 

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I can be prone to small bouts of depression that will last a few hours, at most, but this is bordering on ridiculous for me.  I simply cannot seem to dredge up the smallest amount of enthusiasm, excitement, or even concern about school.  The passion has disappeared.  I have been doing a lot of praying, because sometimes when the wind dies from your sails like this, it means that you’re on the wrong path.  But I keep getting confirmation after confirmation that I’m still in God’s will.  So, I know that I need to persevere, but I’m not sure how.

I remember getting like this (to a point) when I was working at my old job.  I knew that I needed to stay there for a while longer.  God wanted me to and my family needed me to.  But I could drag myself to work, do the job, and go home.  School takes a little more personal effort.  I can’t just go up there, do the minimal asked of me, come home and forget about it.  It requires that I put forth an effort while in class and staying attentive to the lecture and keeping on task between classes to get homework done.  And then, the worst part is, I still have to keep on task when I get home. 

I just don’t know.

On Friday, I kept saying to God, “If just one person would tell me, ‘You can do it! Don’t quit!’ then I’ll know I need to keep going.  But I never heard those words.  I did keep seeing messages around me that said things like, “Study God,” and “School for God,” and even, “Do homework for God,” so I know He’s talking to me.  I don’t know why I feel so hopeless right now!

It really doesn’t help that I’ve had a headache for going on 4 days.  Somehow I feel the two events are related.

I think that I’m starting to hate my field of study.  I chose to get a degree in math, and I feel like I’ve taken so many math classes over the past three years that I just have a hard time looking forward to three more years of the same.  Actually, it’s more like two more years of hard, intensive work in math and a third year of student teaching.  Even worse, the “teaching” classes I’ve taken have been pointless and repetitive.  I’m not learning how to manage a classroom or how to teach my subject or how to pace the course or even how to structure my gradebook!  They want me to know how to make every culture in my classroom pertinent and important – and I agree there’s merit in that, but not at the expense of actual teaching!

Instead of teaching me how to be a good teacher, the state of Texas wants to make sure I’m a good mathematician.  I understand that I need to understand how to do the math that I’ll be teaching, but to require me to go so far in excess of the level at which I’ll be teaching is ridiculous.  When I was taking Calculus II last semester and walking away from the majority of classes in tears because I just didn’t understand, I kept saying to myself that the logic of requiring this class of me would reveal itself.  But it never did.  And now that I’m in Calculus III and Probability, and I’m looking at Differential Equations for next semester, I question the logic even more.  There’s got to be a better definition of “highly qualified teacher” out there! 

Oh, it just makes my head hurt even more.  And now I have heartburn on top of it.

You see?  I AM worried about school.  Maybe I’m just so worried that I’m paralyzed in being able to accomplish anything.  Is it possible?