Too much time on my hands Thursday, Oct 25 2007

Who would have thought that I’d ever say THAT on a weekday?!?  But it’s true.  I’ve been getting up early every day this week, taking my son to school and then coming to the college right after.  Usually, I leave the house just in time to get here for class.  I kept feeling like I was perpetually behind on schoolwork, though and figured this would be a good solution.  I didn’t feel like I was giving enough attention to my son, either, so now we get to spend part of our morning together.  Win-win!

 So, today I got to school a little after 8am.  My only class today starts at 5:30pm.  I have the homework for that class done.  I have calculus done as well because we had a test this week, which meant no homework!  Modern algebra is also done.  The only other class I needed to get work done in was American pluralism.  I have a pretty major paper due next week and I hadn’t even started on it.  Yikes!  Well, I got started on that, as well, and even finished the take-home quiz that’s due next week.  OH!  And I got a PowerPoint presentation started for the group project that’s due in two weeks.  Got papers put away and organized, got my daily planner caught up…I am now at a loss as to what I’m going to fill the next 4 hours with.

Who’da thunk it?

I’ve been taking advantage of the fact that I can print stuff for free at school.  I was suspicious of the whole idea until I actually printed some articles for my paper this morning.  For FREE.  And then I printed out two chapters of a solutions manual for my probability class.  For FREE.  And then another article.  I may need to dig around on my flash drive for more crap to print.  The feeling is exhilarating!

I was talking to some classmates yesterday and we got onto the subject of finals.  After consulting a calendar, we discovered that we only have four weeks of classes left.  WHAT?!?  Three of those are between now and Thanksgiving break.  Then we have about a week off (minus a day or so) and come back for one week, wherein none of our classes will be covering new material (or so they say).  The very next week is finals.  That week after Thanksgiving is supposed to be review, but we’ll see.  Most likely, at least one of my teachers will try to squeeze in one more section of material, just to make the final that much harder to pass.  I still can’t believe it, though.  Only four weeks?  Really?

As I mentioned earlier, I took a calculus test on Monday.  We got our grades back Wednesday, and I’m happy to report that all of those study sessions before class paid off big time.  On my first test, I made a 47, but with the bonus points she let us earn back, I ended up with a 66.  Passing, but barely.  This time, I made a 75 and was allowed to recoup 10 points, so I ended up with an 85.  MUCH better!  Pre-bonus point grades show nearly a 30 point increase from the first test to the second.  It just goes to show that if you have a good study group (one that is actually interested in studying and not chatting), it’s worth it’s weight in, ummm, grades.

I’m going to have to take some time this weekend to work out a schedule for next semester.  I need figure out what I need to take versus what I can take, but I also have to make sure that I have ample options available.  The new class schedules come out Monday, and I want to be prepared for anything.  Early registration starts the following Monday, and I want to be ready.  There were some major hiccups when I was signing up for this semester’s classes because I registered two days after registration started and some of the classes I neede were already full.  That’s how I ended up taking Probability, which I shouldn’t be taking until next fall when I would have more advanced math classes under my belt.  This is one of the main reasons why probability has been so hard for me to understand.  It’s a hard class anyway, but taking it so early really made it harder. 

I’m thinking that I’m going to end up signing up for five classes again, but this time only two of them will be math.  I have three math classes this semester, making five classes in total a nightmare (that’s why I dropped one of the non-maths).  I already know that I’ll be taking Differential Equations and some class called “Euclidean and non-Euclidean Geometry.”  I’ve heard of Euclid, but never in conjunction with a math class.  I know it has something to do with the rectangular coordinate system, but I don’t know what.  Heh.  In a couple of months, I guess I’ll be finding out!  LOL!

I want to post something about Weigh Down and/or what I’ve learned in my Bible studies, but I’m ashamed to say that I can’t because I haven’t been reading either lately.  It’s been quite a number of weeks since I picked up either one to read and I can see myself slipping in so many areas of my life.  In one aspect, I feel like I’ve gotten school under control by eliminating the abundance of Bible study, but I’ve allowed myself to drop it completely, making other aspects of my life out of control.  It’s ridiculous how out of balance I let things become.

The saddest part is that I don’t think things are going to change much in the next few weeks.  I don’t want to just study the Word when it’s convenient to me!  I want it to be an intregal part of my life.  Something that I miss when I don’t do it!  Instead, time and time again, I let it get pushed back and other things take importance.  I know that nothing will change unless I do something to change it, but I still feel helpless about this.  Just pray for me, okay?  Pray that I get a grip on balancing out school, family, and God.

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Looking for a little consideration Monday, Oct 22 2007

I was extremely attentive to my eating today.  Unlike the past week or so when I’ve pretty much ignored what I’ve eaten.  Despite ignoring my eating habits, I’ve still managed to only eat when hungry, and only ate past true hunger a couple of times.  Today was better.  I grabbed a Quizno’s sandwich for lunch, along with a bag of Doritos and a bottle of Diet Coke.  I ate half the sandwich and about 4 chips.  I threw the rest away.  I had a breakfast burrito and a cup of coffee on the way to school.  All was going very well.  Sometime during the last 30 minutes of my final class tonight, my stomach started growling.  REALLY loudly.  The guy that sits behind me started laughing because he could hear it.  I was fine with that.  I knew that I would be headed home soon and would be able to eat dinner when I got there.

Now, before I go any further, let me give some background info.  Up until the current semester, I was responsible for dinner.  The past three years, making sure the family has an evening meal has been up to me.  There was usually one night a week when I would make us eat leftovers.  If I cooked larger-than-usual meals, we might eat leftovers twice.  If I saw that what was in the fridge was not enough for all of us to eat, I would either fix a fresh meal, or I would fix an extra side dish in addition to the leftovers.  This is my way of being considerate of the other people in the house.  I was given the responsibility of cooking dinner, so I knew the other people in the house were depending on me to feed them.  I realize that all of us living here are fully capable of feeding ourselves, but when someone else is responsible for something, I know I expect them to take care of it.  Let me also say that the two semesters when I was forced to take a night class (because it was the only time the class was offered), I would make sure that a crock pot meal was started before I left that morning.  Or, I would make that the night we had leftovers.  A few times, I even came home, cooked dinner, and then flew back to school in time for class.  This semester, though, I had no option but to take a night class every night.  I don’t make the class schedule!  These late classes meant that I would never be home before 7:30pm.  I am an hour away from the house, so coming home just to cook dinner is not an option.  In preparation for this semester, I made the effort to stockpile ready-made dinners in the deep freezers.  There were nine meals that, at most, needed a salad or hot veggie prepared to go with it.  All you needed to do was peel the foil off and pop it into the oven for an hour or so.  Simple, easy…considerate.  I had intended for those nine meals to span the whole semester – one per week.  The people home and responsible for dinner fixed three of them the first week.  Before the first month was over, they were all gone.  All my efforts…for nothing.

So, back to today, I left school tonight very hungry.  It had been about five hours since I’d eaten, and I had not had much food when I did eat.  When I got home, I was told that we were having leftovers for dinner.  This is the second night in a row that we had leftovers.  Not a problem.  We had guests over for dinner on Saturday, which meant we fixed enough food to feed a small army.  There were plenty of leftovers.  Or, at least, there had been.  Everyone ate on Saturday’s dinner Sunday night.  And again today during lunch.  And again, tonight, for dinner.  By the time I got home, all that was left was a mangled chicken breast and a small piece of sausage.  I don’t eat pork.  Eating that last mangled piece of chicken would bring my total up to three pieces.  I’d done my duty on helping to rid the house of chicken.  Had there been more than just chicken, though, I would still have eaten it as part of a complete meal.  But no.  There was little else.  ALL of the other leftovers are gone.  Plus, we’re out of cereal.  There are no lunchmeats.  No soup.  No tuna fish.  Everything in the freezers and pantry requires a lot of cooking.  It was 8:30.  I didn’t have time to cook for an hour in order to eat dinner! 

I just gave up.  I was so frustrated and disgusted with the fact that every single person in this house has benefitted from me taking my responsibility as chief cook seriously, yet more and more we seem to be relegated to leftovers for dinner.  I can’t complain about leftovers.  After all, it’s usually food that I cooked!  But to have been left with nothing?!?

I feel wronged, somehow.  I can’t even go to bed because the husband and the son are watching a movie in my bedroom.

I know I shouldn’t be reacting this way.  It’s just one meal.  But I really do feel like I’ve been taken for granted.  Overlooked.  I have been told that I don’t matter.

Maybe I’ll feel differently in the morning.  But for now, my stomach hurts and so do my feelings.

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Whew! Friday, Oct 19 2007

It’s been a crazy, busy, LONG week!  I’ve been on my computer exactly once this entire week.  Today makes twice.  It’s been a mostly good week, though, and I managed to stay on top of my school work.  That’s always good.

I think I’ve been weaning myself off of the computer and journal-writing this semester.  I had been posting nearly every day, and on the weekends I’d sometimes post multiple times a day.  There’s no way I would have time to do major journal writing, take care of my family, spend time in the Bible, plus keep up with my homework this semester.  I’ve officially entered the “big time” when it comes to school, I guess.  This is the major difference between community college and an upper-level university.  The work never gets easier or less time-consuming.  Which is a scary thought, because I’m only in my first semester at university, so I hate to think what it’s going to be like my last year.  Bleh.

Anyway.  I stayed really busy this week, but I got a lot of work done.  I’m meeting with my calculus 3 study group every Monday and Wednesday morning.  It’s a good thing, too, because I would be totally lost and resorting to just copying stuff out of my solutions manual without them.  We didn’t have class Wednesday because the professor was gone on a conference, but the study group still met.  That was extremely productive.  The lady that’s been coordinating the group had typed out a formula sheet that we can use on the test we’re having on Monday, which was really nice of her.  In the process of talking to her, I found out a lot about the services that I have available to me at UHCL.  I can check out a laptop from the computer lab to use while on campus, if I decide that I need one in class one day.  I can check out a study room from the library – one that’s just for one person, even – and study in absolute isolation (yay!).  Even more impressive, I can print up to 500 pages per semester from any computer in the library or assorted campus labs without paying a dime.  Apparently, there is a per semester fee that I pay for this privilege.  I might as well use it, right?  Once I learned about that little perk, I decided that for the next two to three years, I’m not printing anything from home!

Let’s see…we had a midterm in American pluralism last week that we got our grades back on this week.  I made 100.  I think I blew the teacher’s curve.  I didn’t even study.  The essays we had to write were opinion, more or less.  How could anyone fail?  Yet, people did.  How sad for them.

Probability class has taken a turn for the worse this week.  I went from semi-understanding to not understanding at all and looking at my class notes only to discover that I’d (literally) been writing in Greek.  I’ve been told that Probability for Dummies is a useful resource for getting through this class, but after looking at the table of contents on Amazon.com, I realize that it doesn’t cover the material we’re currently working on.  In fact, Probability for Dummies stopped about a chapter ago for this class.  So, that’s a no-go.  If anyone out there has any suggestions for a good, understandable resource for a university level introductory probability class, please let me know.  I need something that will help me understand the material better.  The textbook we use is nearly unreadable, and the teacher is less than clear.  Also, he spends the majority of his time on the previous class’ homework and giving us a quiz every day, so that by the time he finally gets to the day’s lecture, he rushes through it and actually leaves things out.  I could say more about my problems with this teacher, but now is not the time.

Well, there’s not a whole lot more going on here aside from school stuff.  I haven’t made myself make the time to do any reading from the Weigh Down book, and I’m really missing it.  I want to say that I’ll read a new chapter tomorrow, but we have guests visiting all day tomorrow, so I know I won’t get the chance.  And Sunday, I need to do some review for the calculus test I have on Monday, so…there goes the weekend. 

No rest for the wicked, I guess.

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Birthday Saturday, Oct 13 2007

I am officially the Mother of a Teenager.  Actually, I became a MOAT on Monday, but today it’s finally sinking home.  He’s thirteen.  He has another thirteen-year-old over to celebrate his birthday with.  He’s a teenager. 

Is it just me, or do they suddenly start smelling worse when they turn this age?  Lor-DEE, the stank!

Anyway.  Just wanted to say that. 

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Hello again Tuesday, Oct 9 2007

I’ve been neglecting this page.  It’s not because I don’t like you.  I promise I’m not mad. 

I have been a bit neglectful of other things, too.  I did very little school work this past weekend, and I’m paying for it this week.  I may take a day off but the due dates never go away.  I was blessed today, though with an extra two hours on my break.  I just nearly got caught up on the work I have due this week.  THIS week.  Let’s not discuss next week right now, okay?

 Yesterday was a weird day for me.  I ate WAY too much and then I wasn’t able to get to sleep.  I wonder if the two are connected?  Anyway, I was running late (Monday, you know) and didn’t have time to even grab a cup of coffee on the way out the door.  I was hungry, though, so I stopped to get food and caffeine.  And then I ate the whole thing.  Granted, I didn’t exactly feel “full” when I was through, but I was beyond satisfied – and that’s not okay with me.  On my way home, knowing that I had to stop to get some grocery shopping done, I stopped again for food.  Taco Bell.  I figured it would be relatively “safe” since you can get individual items instead of a whole big meal.  But that concept only works if you don’t get too many items in the first place.  Let me tell you, one double-decker taco is enough for a meal!  Two…way too much.  And I still had a burrito left over!  Thankfully, I did not touch the burrito and brought it home to my (gasp!) teenager.  I feel like I’m losing control.  Or, to be more specific, I’m losing focus on Who my control should be – God.  I haven’t been praying enough this week, and it’s awfully early in the week to be saying such things.  As exhausted as I am tonght (my fault for eating SO wrong yesterday!), I really feel like I need to spend some time on my knees.  On my face, even.  I should feel horrified at how much I ate last night, but all I feel is tired. 

Accountability, for me, is key.  Even if no one reads or cares what I’m eating, putting it out there with the chance that someone might someday read it helps me pay better attention to what I’m putting into my body.  I am held accountable to the example I provide people who are curious about eating God’s way.  So, for today, here’s what I’ve eaten:

• a mug of coffee with sugar, creamer, and hot chocolate.
• 1/2 can of Diet Coke
• about 2 tablespoons of trail mix that consisted of almonds, cashews, peanuts, raisins and 2 M&Ms.
• One 4-inch Quizno’s sub with turkey, Swiss cheese, ranch dressing, lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, on parmesean & rosemary bread.  Very tasty.  I cut it in half and ate one of the halves, then three hours later ate the other half.
• Six Ruffles sour cream & cheddar chips
• 3 chicken taquitos
• 1 chicken & cheese chimichanga (about the size of a deck of cards)

My day started at 5am and it’s now almost 10pm.  So, that’s not a bad volume of food in a 17-hour period.  I probably could have kept dinner to either the chimichanga or the taquitos, but I don’t feel full right now, and I just ate them an hour ago, so I’m thinking that both were okay.

Now that I’m looking at it, I think I need to start doing this more often.  It’s how I started things out, and I should have kept it up more often.  It’s sobering to look at the list of food that you’ve put into your body in a single day.  I realize that I’ve had very little to drink today.  I think that’s mostly due to my being so sleep-deprived.  Right now, I feel like I have cotton mouth, so I know I should have drank more.  I started out the year carrying three things to drink: a soda, a small bottle of juice, and a bottle of water.  I often have the soda (or just buy one), but I rarely have water anymore.  I’m starting to suffer for it, too.  My body is crying out for fluids, but I’m ignoring it.

You know, that’s probably my biggest problem with food, and eating in general.  I ignore my body.  Yes, I love food and I let it come between me and God.  Heck, I let it come between me and pretty much everything sometimes!  But, really, when I think hard about why I don’t normally eat slowly or why I let myself get so hungry that I’m out of control, the reason will usually involve me ignoring my body.  I don’t want to stop what I’m doing to eat.  It’s an interruption.  I hate interruptions.  I would actually be happy if I never had to eat again.  So, I let my hunger go.  And go.  And go.  And finally I’m so hungry that I’m shaking, nauseated and light-headed.  Then, when I eat, I want to make sure I get full enough that I don’t need to eat again for a good, long while.  I don’t know what my problem is with me not drinking water when I’m thirsty, though.  Drinking stuff isn’t nearly as interruptive as eating is, so you’d think I wouldn’t have a problem with it.  Maybe I’m just grasping at straws.

I just need to get real and own up to the fact that I’ve been disobedient and I need to turn back to God.  No more flim-flam.  I messed up.  I don’t want to do it again.  The only way I’ll keep from messing up again is to give my food and eating habits back to God.  I cannot control myself.  I am not a good judge of what is good for me.  I have to learn to trust in God to provide for me.  I have to learn to listen to the cues my body has been programmed, by God, to give me. 

I will.

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