It’s so sad Thursday, Dec 27 2007

I’m sitting here, surfing the Intarwebs, struggling to see straight through this headache that has persisted for 3 days now, and hungry as all get-out.  And now I’m updating.  I should be in the kitchen taking some pain meds and finding something to eat.  But this is just how I roll…

I’m so glad the holidays are nearly over.  The hubby and I have plans to go to a friend’s boathouse for New Year’s, but otherwise, I have nothing until school starts again on January 14th.  I’m looking forward to school, but at the same time, I still feel tired.  I can’t seem to manage to get enough rest for my body to be satisfied, even though I’m sleeping 9+ hours a night. 

Even though the holidays have traditionally been a hard time of year for people that are trying to lose weight, I actually have gotten back on track for the most part.  I’m eating when I’m hungry and I’m being careful to only get a little bit of food.  When I finish eating, I make myself wait before I get anymore.  I usually find that I’m simply not interested in getting any more food, but yesterday and the day before I was apparently having very “hungry” days.  I would eat a small portion of a meal, and an hour later my stomach was audibly growling.  I would eat again just to have the same thing happen an hour later!  It was very frustrating.  On days like that, I feel like I’m going backwards on weight loss.  However, I’m not going backwards on being obedient to God.  I was listening to my body, only eating when hungry, eating only small amounts at one time, and making sure I was drinking plenty of water in-between.  I didn’t want to mistake hunger pangs for thirst, so I’ve been drinking LOTS of water the past couple of days. 

What I would really like to do while I’m on break is to find a solution to my tendency to backslide on eating habits while in school.  I’ve been praying about it.  The only solution that has come to mind has been to make sure I’m putting forth the effort of going to the grocery store every week or two so that I have small packaged items to carry with me to school.  If I take my meals with me, I have less of a tendency to eat at school.  If I know I have adequate, and varied, foods for breakfast, I’ll be less likely to stop and grab something on the way to school.  I get tired of packing food for school, though, but I seem to always have a day or two each semester where I’m at school from 8am til 8pm, so that I end up needing enough food items for three meals.  I don’t have to pack a huge amount of food for any of those meals, but all together it’s a bit much.  And I get lazy about going to the grocery store and end up eating the same kinds of foods for several weeks.  And that, in turn, burns me out on taking my food with me.  Then I start picking up breakfast on the way to school and getting lunch from the cafeteria at school, and although I start off only eating half to one-third of each meal, I eventually get tired of either throwing away what’s left or carrying it with me until I’m hungry again that I just start to eat it all.  When, really, what I need to do is to take steps to not buy my food from a restaurant in the first place.  And that means making regular trips to the grocery store.  And let my circular argument begin again…

How is it that I can be so disciplined in one area of my life, yet be so spectacularly lazy in another?

I just (literally) picked up The Weigh Down Diet again and started reading the chapter entitled, “Stay Awake.”  In a page of writing, Mrs. Shamblin begins to answer the questions implied in what I wrote (above).  “Your weight is not a spiritual problem or condition, in the sense of an ailment or affliction that needs a rubdown or heavy dose of a wonder drug.  Rather, it is spiritual warfare in which you are a soldier.  If anything is a problem, it is that bombs are dropping and bullets are flying all around you, but you are not aware of them.  You may not even know that you are at war.  If you are in this category, no wonder you are getting more and more out of control.  You cannot be winning battles if you do not know that a war has been declared.” (pgs 159-160)

I…had no idea.  I feel like I should already know that I’ve been fighting a battle, because I know I’ve read the book to this point once before.  But I can honestly say that her words are completely new to me right now.  Maybe God is trying to get my attention!    But it makes sense.  I lost control.  I lost the battle at the end of last semester.  I lost a battle that I didn’t even know I was fighting.  I thought I was only struggling with my own disobedience, but it seems that this problem is bigger than that! 

I have been asleep at the wheel for the past 4 months and didn’t even know it.  “We must constantly battle to submit our wills and train our minds to stay focused on what the law of Christ is; and we must put to death our earthly desires.”  (pg 161)  Constantly?  Really?  Wow, that’s a lot of effort you’re asking of me, God.  Now I have to wonder, am I willing to make the effort?  Is losing this excess weight and becoming healthier and, in the process, learning to love and depend on You enough to keep me motivated?  I hope so, but I can’t say – honestly – that I know so.  Knowing that I will be constantly fighting this battle may actually help my motivation, though.

“If your will is to love God with all of your heart, your soul, and your mind, then you can hear His voice.  But, if your will is to halfway serve Him when it is convenient, you will not hear His voice.  You cannot hear His voice.  Once again, you cannot have two masters.” (pg 163)  I think, for most of my life, I have been only halfway serving God.  Including now.  I’ve always been too scared to truly, fully commit to serving Him.  So long as I insist on being my own master (and, thereby submitting to the will of Satan), I will not hear God’s voice.  Yet, I know that I desperately need to hear Him.  I need His guidance and assurance.  I don’t even know if I know how to fully commit.  What does it feel like?  Am I supposed to say a special prayer and suddenly I’ll be fully committed to Him?  Is there a ceremony I’m missing?  A song I should sing? 

Perhaps it is here: “I am convinced that every one of us is here to learn to raise our consciousness level to be alert to God every hour of the day.” (pg 164-165)  To fully commit to God requires that I be constantly alert to God.  Every hour of every day.  If I work to do this, not only will I be committing myself to God’s will more often, but I will be alert to the battles that come at me.  I will be less likely to be caught unaware by temptation.  I will be looking for those things that pull my attention from God – including temptations to eat too much or at the wrong times. 

“You must have an alert heart and mind looking for what pleases God, and be ready for the attack.  When you lear the lie, quote the truth and then stand firm and watch God fight the battle.”  (pg 167)  Watch GOD fight the battle!  All that He requires of me is that I know the truth and say it, and then stand back and let Him fight!  Hallelujah! 

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While we’re on the subject… Saturday, Dec 22 2007

I spent the afternoon with my in-laws.  They are, with just a few exceptions, a fun bunch of people and very sweet, to boot.  There are a lot of them, though, so being around them all for an entire afternoon is exhausting.  I took two desserts and came home with requests for recipes to them, so that’s nice as well.  The gathering was, of course, for Christmas – a holiday I am anxious to remove from my life.

I know I’ve talked about this before, but it just bears stating again: Christmas is not, and has never been, a Christian holiday.  It is pagan, it started out pagan, it was adapted to Christian use but never lost it’s pagan roots, and the fact that it is nearly completely material-based is proof enough that it is not something that God condones. 

I have many pleasant and fond memories of the Christmas season.  My family is a typical American family.  We put up a tree and decorated it with lovely ornaments, helped Dad untangle the lights, rushed around at the last minute trying to buy presents for all of our loved ones and lovingly wrapped these items to place them under the tree.  The older I get, the more Christmas has become equated with stress.  I wanted to “honor” this holiday with the “real” reason for the season (as they say), but the materialistic side kept getting in the way.  Every year I have people who tell me that Christmas and all the symbols that go along with it are part of the Christian tradition and that, if it were not for Christmas, some people would never hear about Jesus and His miracle birth.  To them I say, “Liar.”  You are lying to yourself and you are lying to the people you spew this nonsense to.  If Jesus were truly the “reason for the season,”  if you REALLY believe that Jesus is the reason why we celebrate this ludicrous day every year, then PROVE IT.  Put up your tree and decorate it with all the symbols you believe represent Christianity and the season, put all of your wooden nativity cutouts into your yard, fix a huge meal and have the whole neighborhood over, but don’t buy a single gift.  Just spend time with all of your loved ones, talking about Jesus.  Can you do it?

Yes, I know what you’re probably yelling at your screen right now.  “But the presents represent the gifts the three wise guys brought to the baby Jesus!”  Or, “The gifts represent the gift that God gave to us through sending His Son to earth!”  Yeah, I get it.  You’ve found yet another excuse to represent something that is entirely pagan in origin and has no basis whatsoever in what the Bible tells us.  (Not to mention that the “wise” men never visited Jesus while he was an infant.)  What did God’s gift (via His Son) represent to us?  Salvation.  Jesus was sent to show us the path to salvation, which is the constant, and everlasting message God has been trying to get through to His people since the beginning of time.  So, fine.  Give the gift of the knowlege of salvation: give Bibles to every single person you would normally buy a bunch of unneeded stuff for.  I dare you.

If you can’t, or you think that I’m off my rocker, out in left field, in need of a tight jacket and padded cell, then stop for a moment and consider what it means about YOU that you aren’t willing to give up the very thing that makes Christmas a nauseating mess of materialistic gluttony. 

Now consider the fact that everything else about Christmas is pagan in origin.  Every single symbol we use as a traditional Christmas symbol has pagan roots.  And, while you’re at it, consider that God, in the Bible, warns us against doing this very thing.  Are we really celebrating something that God condones, or have we just found excuses to continue the gluttony known as “Christ’s mass”?  Is it enough to only attach Christian meanings to pagan symbols?  Do you think God thinks it’s enough?

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Sharing Thursday, Dec 13 2007

I snapped a couple of really cute pics of my cats recently.  And, because I am the local crazy cat lady, I have to share.

 Miss Sabrina in the “Luv Bukket”. 

Neptune, in her normal evening position.  And dripping down my monitor because she is so relaxed.  She prefers I stare at her in all her glory instead of actually looking at the work that is on my monitor.  Selfish hussy! 

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I hate errands. I don’t even like the word. Wednesday, Dec 12 2007

Don’t you hate it when you’re forced to hold a conversation with someone you don’t care for? 

I won’t go into it more than this, except to say that I’m glad this person doesn’t live near me or else I’d have to converse with her more often.  ::shudder::

I’ve been playing nursemaid all week.  My son came home from my mother-in-law’s on Sunday complaining that he was sore all over, but that he thought it was from golfing.  How someone can be sore after playing a round of golf, I can’t tell you, but that’s what he thought.  Turns out, he was running a high temperature.  I gave him some Acetaminophen (Tylenol) and sent him to bed, but he woke up later that night (or was it early the next morning?) and hurled.  Twice.  At least he’s old enough to make it to the bathroom before puking instead of waiting and puking on the floor or in his bed.  He never got sick again after that first night, but his temperature did spike at 103.3 F, which scared the bejesus out of me.  We you have a sick kiddo without any insurance, any illness is scary.  Last night, he was running around 99.4 and with a single dose of Tylenol, his temperature dropped to normal.  He’s been fine ever since.  I kept him home today, just to make sure whatever it was that invaded his body is done, and I’m praying that he goes back to school tomorrow.

As much as I enjoy spending time with my child, I shudder at the amount of makeup work he’ll have from missing school.  It’s like the kid’s being punished for getting sick.  As a future teacher, I understand that his teachers can’t stop teaching just because he’s not in class, but as a mommy, I still don’t like it.  I’m just relieved that his fever didn’t spike again and that he seems to be over whatever it was.

In other news…  The hubby and I went Christmas shopping on Saturday and pretty much got it all done.  We got the furniture we wanted for the kiddo, plus we were able to get him a new television.  We weren’t sure if we were going to be able to afford the TV, but God was good to us and the hubby’s last paycheck was nearly double what it normally is.  So, the money was there and we were able to get one more item on the list of stuff that I would like to see in my son’s bedroom someday. 

On Monday, while the kiddo was sleeping and my father was home, I ran errands.  I finally got around to going to the post office to get stamps so that I could finally mail out the Christmas cards I had done the day after Thanksgiving.  It’s such a pain in the butt to do cards, especially since this is no longer a holiday that I care to celebrate.  It was a pain before, too, but I considered it a “labor of love”.  Besides, I like to receive cards, so it was a way to get people to send them to me, if only in reciprocation.  This year, I only see them as a way to get all those school pictures sent out to people that want them, but that I never (or rarely) see.  Christmas cards are the perfect size to send even grandmothers the 5×7 that I normally send them.  Everyone else gets a wallet, which would fit in any sized card. 

Anyway, I also went to the library in Baytown to get “boredom busters”.  I realized on Sunday, when I was watching TV, that I needed something else to do.  The computer isn’t really holding any interest for me.  My favorite games are more of an annoyance for now.  I don’t feel like cooking, and the house is clean.  I needed something else to do.  I came home with 12 books and I finished the first one last night.  I’m suffering for it today because I woke up with a headache that hasn’t completely disappeared yet. 

Let’s see…after the library I stopped at Walgreens to pick up some personal items and to look over their holiday bowl collection.  I may personally be all “bah-humbug” about Christmas, but few of my future students will be.  My choices about my spiritual life are just that – my choice.  I cannot and will not judge anyone else for not making the same choice.  So, as a teacher, I should look for ways to honor and respect the majority of my students’ cultures.  I want to do this in small ways, though, so that the space I teach in is dedicated to learning, not multiculturalism.  I think that 2 or 3 items around my classroom that represent the season should suffice, especially since I’m teaching older kids.  One of the things that I want to do is to have a covered candy dish on my desk that has individually wrapped candies in it.  The shape/color of the dish will reflect the season. I have a glass pumpkin candy dish that has been covered in various shades of orange mosaic tiles.  Very pretty.  I also have a matching set for Christmas that are Santa and Frosty shapes.  But they’re too small for what I want to do.  Maybe they can be used somewhere else in my room.  Anyway, Walgreen’s didn’t really have what I was looking for, and I’m not that worried about it anyway, so I got my personal items and left. 

From there, I went to Kroger for potatoes and carrots to go with the roast we had for dinner that night.  If you’ve never tried fingerling potatoes, you’re missing out.  Find them in your area and give them a try.  Very tasty, and a wonderful texture.  I also picked up a bottle of Cran-Grape juice for the kiddo, since his immune system obviously needed all the support it could get. 

Once I checked out, I drove down the road to Food Town, but not to go shopping.  In their parking lot, they have donation bins that are used to support local women’s shelters.  I often drop clothes and toys into them.  Especially my clothes, since they’re plus-sized.  Used, plus-sized clothes that are still in good condition are hard to come by, so I regularly go through my closet for things that I no longer wear.  If I’ve worn something for a long time and, esentially, wear it out, I don’t donate it.  Nothing sucks more than to be in a bad way already, and then to have old, worn-out clothes given to you.  It’s like you’re not worthy of anything new-ish or decent looking.  Anyway, right after we moved this summer, the kiddo and I were going through all his stuff and we put together a couple of boxes of things he no longer needed/wanted.  Some of it was clothes, but most of it was toys and books that he’d long outgrown.  I had gotten the clothes into a drop box months and months ago, but the toys and books had been boxed up and pushed into the back of his closet.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Well, I had to do some closet rearranging a couple of months ago, where I ended up needing to put an extra vacuum somewhere other than where it had been kept.  The kiddo’s closet was the most logical place, since he has the least amount of stuff stored in it, except that those two boxes of toys and books were taking up the space that the vacuum needed to live in.  I had him put the boxes in my car and the vacuum in his closet, with the intention of finding a donation box in which to drop off said toys and books.  I never got to it, and the boxes continued to take up space in my tiny, tiny trunk.  Until Monday.  Sometimes I just can’t seem to get things done until I have nothing else to do.

From Food Town, I was supposed to go to Wal-Mart, but I needed the kiddo with me for that trip because he needs to try on jeans until we figure out what size he needs these days.  The 14s in his closet are way too small and I think the 16 fit perfectly, which means he may need 18s (lord forbid!), but then again, 18s may be WAY too big.  But he has to try them on before I will know.  So, instead of visiting a third Wal-Mart in the space of three days, I went home.  That was preferable, anyway.  I didn’t need to spend any more money. 

Since then, I’ve been at home, taking the kiddo’s temperature every two hours and administering medication like I’m a floor nurse at a Home for the Legally Insane.  The whole errands-running thing?  Sucks.  I am SO glad that it’s not something I have to do regularly.  I try to take care of errands as they come up, and usually on the way home from school.  When I worked, it was when I was on the way home from work.  It’s how I prefer to handle these things so that I’m not running all over town, burning up gas and time. 

I’d never be a good stay-at-home mommy.  I’m just not wired right for it.  I get impatient and irritable when I’m stuck inside for too many days in a row.  My sleep/wake schedule goes all haywire if I don’t have a routine I need to stick to.  Oh, I know that I can put myself on a schedule even when I’m not in school/not working, but I don’t have a good reason to stick to it.  Good reasons include: getting paid, passing classes.  I guess I’m just a rewards-driven kinda person.

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Bah Humbug Saturday, Dec 8 2007

I catch myself offguard sometimes, wracking my brain trying to remember what homework I have due next week.  I hate this part of vacation.  The first week or so I’m so twitchy, forgetting to remember to forget about school for a while.  And just about the time I think I’ve relaxed, I have to start getting ready for a new semester.  I really should just get over it.  I’m studying to be a teacher, after all.  This whole vacation followed by new semester thing is going to happen a lot.

In other news, I’m doing my Christmas shopping today.  It’s against my better judgement to even participate in a holiday that calls itself Christian, but for all intents and purposes is purely pagan.  However…after thinking about my situation with school and my living arrangements, I realized that I am running out of time.  I am graduating in a year and will be moving out of my parents’ house in 18 to 24 months.  I have no furniture anymore.  My son is using my parents’ guest bedroom furniture and has no bedroom furniture of his own.  All of my possessions (with few exceptions) were put into storage when we moved.  There are things that just cannot survive in storage for several years – couches and mattresses included.  So, with the extra money we tend to have around this time of year, we’re putting it to good use and getting started on eliminating the furniture deficit we seem to be in.  Our most logical place to start is to get some of the furniture my son needs in his bedroom.  He has no storage and does not have a dresser, so that’s what we’re getting for him.  Very practical, but not very fun or exciting.  I have a feeling that my son may be just a little disappointed.  Each year, we’re planning on doing less and less for Christmas until we’re not celebrating it at all.  My guess is that we might celebrate one Christmas in our new house once we move.  If we do, it will be very low-key and will be as materialistic-free as one can make a holiday that is based in materialism and greed.  It’s a relief to know that I will soon be done with the whole Christmas nightmare once and for all. 

The only other Christian holiday that we ever came close to celebrating on a regular basis was Easter, but we quit that years ago.  I think we did the whole Easter basket thing about 3 times in my son’s life.  All we ever got out of it was a bowl of candy that sat around until Halloween when I finally got sick of it and threw it out, and a basket with a really long handle and that was cheaply made and was quite ugly, so therefore could not be used for anything else in my house.  Instead, my son and I have spent time studying the life of Jesus, which includes the crucifixion and resurrection, but I’ve always felt that too much emphasis was placed on this very short period of Jesus’ life.  There are more monumental things He did that we need to focus on and learn from.  There is the whole idea of obedience and salvation -the things that matter for eternity – that he needs to learn about.  The crucifixion and resurrection, albeit important, are not the most important events and we need to acknowledge and honor that.  Anyway, since we stopped celebrating Easter so many years ago, there’s nothing that my son will miss from it.  He’s not even aware that it’s coming up unless he notices that the stores are selling chocolate eggs and marshamallow chicks.  Then, all he’s interested in is getting in on some of the candy action.  Such a typical kid in that aspect. 

Anyway.  I feel so antsy today.  Aside from the mental “jerks” I get from trying to remember homework that doesn’t exist, I’m sitting around the house waiting for my husband to get home so we can go to the store.  I want to get there, buy what we want, and get home already!  I hate being on other people’s schedules.  They never sync with me very well because I have my own agenda.  However, the longer I sit and wait for him, the more stuff I realize that I’ve forgotten to put on my list of things to buy.  We’re almost out of cat litter, for example.  My son needs a new pair of pants, for another.  I can see that sitting around the house with little to do is going to make me stir-crazy.  I’d better find something to keep me occupied during my break while I’m out shopping today.  Housework just won’t cut it.

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Finito Thursday, Dec 6 2007

I’m completely, utterly, totally, exhaustively DONE. 

I took my last two finals yesterday and turned in a take home final for Probability today.  And I’m through.  I’ve filed all my schoolwork and shelved all the textbooks.  I’m done.  The bookbag is in the closet and my lunch bag is empty.  Finito.

I don’t know if I passed everything.  Actually…I’m pretty sure I passed, but I’m not sure what kind of grades I ended up with.  In junior college, I was almost a straight-A student, but I really don’t think I kept up my track record this time.  I know what I needed to get on my final in Calculus III to get an A, and it was an impossible grade (over 100).  So, the best I can hope for is a B, but I’ll bet money that I made a C.  That’s okay.  It’s done.  I know that I did well enough for my semester grade to count towards my degree, and that’s all that matters now. 

I took my last two finals yesterday, as I mentioned just a moment ago, and when I got home last night I was completely wiped out.  But at the same time, I felt like I could just go straight into my classes for next semester.  Once I woke up this morning, though, things were much different.  I’m grateful for the break.  I have five classes next semester, and although they’re not all ridiculously hard, I still have a lot of work I’m going to have to do for them.  I’m going to need this time to recoup my energies and spend time doing things that will restore me instead of drain me. 

I have two weeks to putter around the house and get in Dad’s way (he’s on vacation until mid-December) until the child is on “Winter Break”.  While some might find that enjoyable, I do not.  I always seem to think I will, but halfway through the first day without him and I’m stir-crazy and anxious to be enjoying my break with him.  I find myself looking forward to the time that his bus brings him home and have actually considered picking him up from school just so that I can have a few more minutes with him.  Maybe I will this year.  I have before.  It’s a precious time that I spend with him in the car on the way home.  I have nothing to distract me, really, and I can listen, enraptured, to him recount his day to me.  I love it.

While I am on break and the child is not, I have the dubious pleasure of catching up on housework.  The carpets are in dismal shape.  One of my cats is shedding like mad and there are little tufts of black and white hair dotting the hall floor.  She leaves wisps behind wherever she goes.  Mom bought a new Kirby vacuum about a month ago, and I need to learn how to use all of the little tools that come with it.  Now’s my opportunity, I guess.  All of the living room upholstery needs a good vacuuming, so there’s a good place to start (besides the floor, of course).  I haven’t let all of the housework go completely, mind you.  Just last weekend I scrubbed out my toilet.  The weekend before I cleaned the sink and counter in the same bathroom.  I just wish I had time to do both together, and more often.  I may turn obsessive-compulsive while on break.  Once the house is clean, no one is allowed to use it, for fear that they will undo all that I’ve done.  I may have to shave the cats.

My parents are on the verge of closing on a “new” house.  They are purchasing an older home that needs a bit of work, then they will clean it up, do any repairs needed, and rent it out.  Dad is retiring in a couple of months and they are looking for ways to supplement their retirement income.  I won’t be living with them and paying rent forever, after all.  With Mom being a real estate agent, they are in a good position to be investors and landlords.  Both being things that they can make a little money at.  Once they have this new house purchased, it will need to be thoroughly cleaned, have the carpets completely removed and the cement underneath bleached to kill any mold growing, and only then can repairs be done.  Guess who has been elected to take care of the cleaning process?  You guessed it.  I don’t mind too much.  It’s a lot easier to clean a house when absolutely nothing is in it.  And we have a pretty good supply of latex gloves, so my hands and nails should be spared the tortures of the cleaning solutions.  The bathrooms and the kitchen are just gross, though, and will need a day’s work per room to get up to par, I would think.  The living and bedroom areas need the least work.  The walls are a little dusty, but the vacuum will take care of that.  All in all, if I don’t have any help, it will probably take me about 4 or 5 days to get the whole house clean.  But that’s only after someone else has ripped out the carpet.  There’s no sense in me doing any cleaning until it’s gone.

Well, I’ve begun to ramble.  My brain is tired and I haven’t even done much of anything today.  Rest is the prescription I need right now.

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